The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Rage November 2, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 12:43 am
Tags: , , ,

Team Leader talked to NT and she said NT called but didn’t leave a message. Well whoop-de-fuckin-doo. Still didn’t help me so fuck her anyway. Team Leader thinks I should give her another chance and kept pushing it even when I said no. Wants me to “just give it some thought” even though I told her I wasn’t gonna change my mind. Now she thinks I’m an asshole too because I wouldn’t agree to meet with her and NT on Monday. Now she thinks I’m just being difficult because I keep discarding therapists without talking to them about it. Fuck that. Some boundaries aren’t okay to cross, and there’s no fucking point having a discussion about it because the relationship is too broken to fix. I’d never be able to trust NT again. But of course if I saw her again I’d kick into nice mode even against my will, accept the apologies and say it wasn’t her fault and say it’s all fine, and I’d hate myself and be screaming at myself in my head to stop lying but I wouldn’t be able to say how I really feel.

How is it that I’m always the bad guy? I thought Team Leader was on my side and would understand I couldn’t trust anyone who would send me to the hospital. But she’s taking NT’s side and suddenly I’m the bad guy because I won’t make nice.

So angry I can hardly see straight. Want to wreck things. Want to cut more, tear myself to shreds. That way I won’t go off on anyone else. Have to go off on someone, and since I’m already the bad guy here, it might as well be me. Can’t take this, can’t fucking take this. The people I trusted are betraying me. Don’t want any of them in my house. Don’t need to hear them telling me I’m a bad person. I already know that, thanks. Fuck all of them. Can’t be trusted. I hate all of them. It’s not fair. They’re supposed to take my side and they didn’t. They can all go fuck themselves. I need to cut.

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