The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

From my journal November 2, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 5:12 am

Not even sure who’s talking here.

*

Don’t know who to trust anymore. Who’s safe?

No one is safe. Are you fucking stupid? No one’s safe. No one. They all hate you and want to get rid of you. They all want to hurt you if they get the chance.

But Team Leader likes me. She was nice.

Nobody likes you. They’re all just liars, and you’re fucking stupid if you believe them. They’re only nice while they’re looking for the best way to hurt you.

That’s not true.

Oh, isn’t it? She betrayed you. She wants you to go back to NT, talk, be nice, pretend you’re okay with what happened. You think she cares about how you feel? You could hear it in her voice, she thinks you’re wring, thinks you’re stupid.

No, she just doesn’t understand.

She doesn’t understand because she doesn’t want to. She thinks you’re stupid and crazy and you’re overreacting and being irrational. She’s right.

So what? I don’t care if she thinks I’m crazy. I have the right to my feelings. She can’t just blow me off as crazy. I have the right to be crazy and I’m done talking to her or NT.

Then no one will ever care about you.

Well, maybe they’re right. I’m just too irrational and crazy to love. I don’t deserve it anyway.

Like I said.

I hate this. I hate you. I hate them. I hate me.

Good. Destroy it all. It’s the one thing you’re good at.

But what if it can be fixed?
It can’t. For fuck’s sake, you know that. NT can’t be trusted. Team Leader’s on her side now, so she can’t be trusted. Everyone else at Windhorse will agree with whatever Team Leader says, so none of them can be trusted. There’s no one else left.

No. This isn’t right. It’s too black and white. Things with NT can’t be fixed, but Team Leader…she might listen. I need to be reasonable. I need to make sense. Nothing is making sense anymore, and there’s nobody left to help me sort it out.

No. You’re alone.

I don’t want to be.

Tough shit. Welcome to your life.

No. I need help.

Maybe, but you don’t deserve it. No one wants to deal with you. You’re too broken to fix. You’re a lost cause. No one could love you.

I know. But they don’t have to love me to help me.

You’re too far gone to help. What haven’t you tried? Nothing works.

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One Response to “From my journal”

  1. I don’t know how to help. I hear you. I hear that you want them to know you want them to hear you.
    You sound like you are in a very angry and alone place. Only you can make the decision what you are going to do, even if it hurts.


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