Today was bad.
I’d mostly gotten over the intense suicidality, but I was still having a really hard time.
I had an appointment with NT this afternoon (usually it’s on Monday, but I’d had to reschedule because of the hurricane) and told her how awful I was feeling. The last thing I remember was telling her my family hates me and wishes it was me who had died.
The next thing I know, I’m in the hospital ER and it’s 4 hours later. From what I could piece together, I dissociated and NT called an ambulance. But judging from the time I was admitted to the ER, NT didn’t even spend the rest of the session trying to ground me before calling the ambulance. For that matter, I don’t even know if she tried to ground me at all! Even my Windhorse fake therapist manages to get me grounded when I dissociate, so if NT did try, she must not have tried very hard.
When I finally “woke up” at the hospital, I was alone in a hallway. I kept trying to call my Windhorse team, but the calls wouldn’t go through because I had no cell signal. Finally I texted my nurse, who talked to the ER people and got Fake Therapist to come get me and bring me home.
I’m really, REALLY upset with NT. She knows I’ve been traumatized in hospitals, and I remember specifically telling her today that I didn’t need to be inpatient. She knew I have a whole team at Windhorse, but she apparently didn’t call any of them. Just called the ambulance. I cannot BELIEVE this.
Oh, and for added fun, the ER called my grandparents because they were listed as emergency contacts. They bothered my grandmother the day after she lost her sister, and now my grandfather is going to throw a tantrum about me. He might cut off my treatment because he’ll say this incident proves I’m not making any progress.
And now I’ve got to start all over again looking for a new therapist. Took me months just to find this one.