The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Truth October 31, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:53 am

Can’t do this. Just can’t.

My great aunt died this morning.

I’m the one who should be dead. It would make things so much better for everyone, including myself. We all know I’m never going to get my shit together and make my life work. I might as well get out now before things get any worse. They already hate me for being a worthless drain on their money, but maybe if I got out now they’d hate me less. Maybe they’d even forget that they’d hated me so much.

They’re right, you know, to hate me. People keep saying I should love myself, be kind to myself, but there’s no reason. If people think I deserve that it’s because I’ve lied to them, made them think I’m a good person. The truth is I’m not.

I know the truth about me. My family has always been right about me, and I could never really fool myself into believing they were wrong.

I don’t belong here, I don’t want to be here, and the only people who truly know what I am don’t want me here.

I’m so tired of fighting it.


5 Responses to “Truth”

  1. I’m sure the people who truly know do not want you gone. I’m sorry to say I have had those feelings before. I didn’t have the internet back then however, and I didn’t always have a way of getting my feelings out. I don’t know if you live alone or not?

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I’ve felt this way my whole life. I’ve spent years listening to people tell me it’ll get better, but it never really does. I’m just too tired to keep going.

      Yes, I live alone.

      • Living alone can be one of the hardest things when you’re trying to feel better. Have you been knitting lately? Do you get out much?

      • weordmyndum Says:

        Oh, see, I get MUCH crazier when I’m living with other people. I’m a pretty extreme introvert and need my own space.

        I’ve only been knitting a little bit. I sliced my finger open the other day while washing my blender (those blades are sharp little assholes!), so it hurts to knit. Plus I keep deciding I hate every project I start and keep ripping them out. I can’t even deal with yarn and needles anymore.

  2. sonamsangmu Says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your Great Aunt’s death, my condolences if you wish to accept them.
    I don’t think everyone who knows you hates you. It’s true I don’t know you but I think if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be giving yourself such a hard time for not being with your great aunt. You have to care in order to feel like you’re worthless to others. If you didn’t give a sh*t then you would feel pretty good right now. Anyway, you can’t kill yourself as your lovely pup needs his mommy!

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