I’m having trouble talking.
I hate when this happens. I’m supposed to be good with words; I used to be a writer. But now I’m just…silent. And I don’t want to be.
I have a number of friends, both online and in real life, who are having a hard time. I want to be there, to say the right things that will make them feel at least a little better. But the words just aren’t there. Just saying “I hear you and I care” seems completely inadequate, so I just can’t say anything.
I can’t say anything to people about myself, either. Yesterday, Fake Therapist asked me how it was going with NT. I hesitated and then told her everything is fine. I don’t know why, exactly. I just knew if I tried to talk about it, I’d end up frozen.
I have these weird dissociative episodes sometimes. I don’t think they’re switches. I just get frozen–can’t talk, can’t move. Most of the time, I’m still there, still conscious. In my head I’m repeating over and over the words I want to say, screaming at my body to move. But I can’t, sometimes not for hours. it often happens when I’m dealing with memories or flashbacks or when I’m trying to talk about really difficult things.
I just get the sense lately that trying to talk about anything of substance, I’ll end up frozen. It frustrates me intensely. I don’t know what to do. I hate this.