I want somebody to tell me what to do, how to fix this. How to fix me. But everyone’s solutions seems so inadequate.
NT’s solution seems to be, basically, just wait 30 years and then you’ll feel better.
Windhorse team’s solution is wait for the neuropsych consult about your broken brain and then figure out how to go back to school.
Psychiatrist’s solution is to put me on all these supplements I can’t afford because he doesn’t grok that not everybody has a doctor’s income.
None of these answers are helping right now. Nothing is helping the immediate desperation and feelings of intolerableness. None of it is addressing the fact that I’m trapped in a past I can’t escape on my own. None of it addresses the pain that’s so bad and so inescapable I don’t want to be alive.
None of these people make me feel any less alone with it.
I’m not suicidal, exactly. I want to live, but not in this much constant pain. It and I can’t both exist in the same body; there’s not enough space.
I don’t even need to feel better right this instant–I just need to feel like I’m definitely moving in that direction.
But will I tell any of these people any of this? Of course not.
This pain is my own fault.