The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

I’m only good at quitting October 23, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:10 am
Tags: , , ,

I’m having this very strong urge to quit therapy.

I like NT a lot, I do. But it’s going nowhere. It’s a wate of my time and hers. She doesn’t push me, and I can’t/won’t make myself tell her that I need that. I’m not allowed to need anything from her. So the hour’s over, and we haven’t talked about anything that matters. Her basic response to my pain is to tell me it’ll get better eventually. I know she can’t really tell me when or how–I get that. But it feels like she’s too passive about it. My Windhorse team can’t tell me how or when either, but they have ideas:”Let’s do a neuropsych consult. Then we’ll figure out what accommodations would help you be able to go back to school. Then we’ll look into financial aid.”)

I just feel like it’s a waste of time. To see her, i have to walk a mile and a half to the bus stop and then spend 40 or 45 minutes on the bus. I get there nearly an hour early because of the bus schedule–for my 12:00 appointment, I have to leave the house at 9:30, and I don’t get back until 1:30 or 2:00.

And it’s not like things are really that bad now anyway. I don’t feel like looking for another therapist. It was hard enough just finding her. I’m so fucking tired of trying. I’m exhausted, and it’s taking too much energy away from me to take all that time to get there and then during the session to keep myself from either begging her to make it all better or yelling at her that she’s useless. I just do not have the energy. My care cup is empty.

(And probably also I want to withdraw so I can destroy myself with less outside interference. One less person to answer to.)


5 Responses to “I’m only good at quitting”

  1. I’ve gone to quit therapy many times and it’s always been to do with destroying myself, having said that though, if your therapist isn’t helping then i can see why you would want to quit. Is there no way of talking to her about this and how you feel ?

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I don’t think so. Unless I magically find some way to make myself grow a pair and actually tell her. But that’s about as likely as a giant space dragon eating our sun.

      Ugh. So disgusted with myself. Sorry.

      • hey, there’s no need to be sorry or disgusted with yourself. None of the stuff you are dealing with is easy and you are doing the best you can and no one can do more than that. sending some safe hugs if ok ? i’m sorry things are so hard right now

      • weordmyndum Says:

        If only I knew how not to be disgusted with myself. Sometimes I can ignore it, but right now the self-hatred is too loud not to hear.

        I mean, god, how fucked up is it that I can’t even do therapy right? It shouldn’t be this hard to just tell her.

  2. i don’t think there is a ‘right’ way of doing therapy, only a ‘your’ way of doing it if you get what i mean. Telling people what you need is a really hard thing to do when you’ve never done it before and something lots of people struggle with. I know a few people have found it has helped to write it down and then give it to the person or email it. I hope you are able to ease up on yourself a bit because it takes an awful lot of courage to do therapy and face past issues so the fact you were doing it shows what a courageous person you are xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s