I’m having this very strong urge to quit therapy.
I like NT a lot, I do. But it’s going nowhere. It’s a wate of my time and hers. She doesn’t push me, and I can’t/won’t make myself tell her that I need that. I’m not allowed to need anything from her. So the hour’s over, and we haven’t talked about anything that matters. Her basic response to my pain is to tell me it’ll get better eventually. I know she can’t really tell me when or how–I get that. But it feels like she’s too passive about it. My Windhorse team can’t tell me how or when either, but they have ideas:”Let’s do a neuropsych consult. Then we’ll figure out what accommodations would help you be able to go back to school. Then we’ll look into financial aid.”)
I just feel like it’s a waste of time. To see her, i have to walk a mile and a half to the bus stop and then spend 40 or 45 minutes on the bus. I get there nearly an hour early because of the bus schedule–for my 12:00 appointment, I have to leave the house at 9:30, and I don’t get back until 1:30 or 2:00.
And it’s not like things are really that bad now anyway. I don’t feel like looking for another therapist. It was hard enough just finding her. I’m so fucking tired of trying. I’m exhausted, and it’s taking too much energy away from me to take all that time to get there and then during the session to keep myself from either begging her to make it all better or yelling at her that she’s useless. I just do not have the energy. My care cup is empty.
(And probably also I want to withdraw so I can destroy myself with less outside interference. One less person to answer to.)