This is a great post from Beyond Meds. It says what I’ve tried to say in some of my other posts, but I’ve never been able to say it as clearly or as elegantly. I guess it’s because I still haven’t processed a lot of the trauma inflicted on me by mainstream psychiatry, so I get all tangled up in my emotions.
I’m lucky. Windhorse, the program I’ve been in for the last year, is not mainstream. While they do utilize medication, it’s not forced down your throat, literally or figuratively. In fact, my psychiatrist has been very on-board with tapering me off my meds, though it’s been rocky enough I had to go back up on some. They’ve never even mentioned sticking me in the hospital. They’ve been very proactive in treating me as a whole person (physical and mental) and helping me rebuild a life without making me feel like I’m being pushed too fast. They care about me as a person, and I never got that from mainstream psychiatric treatment.
But most people aren’t that lucky. Windhorse and other similar programs are expensive, and insurance doesn’t cover them. What’s covered is the impersonal, coercive, dehumanizing, traumatizing mainstream system. People can’t get what they need to get better.
I know I’m lucky to have this program. I just wish I’d been able to find something like this first, when I was a hurting kid. But I didn’t, and now I have years of trauma inflicted on me by mainstream psychiatry that I have to excavate. This is the time of year my father had me committed to a state hospital–right before Halloween. Most of it I don’t remember. I was there until after New Year. The parts I do remember make me wish I could forget. I have been having nightmares about hospitals every night, sometimes more than once a night. I should probably talk about it in therapy, but I know I probably won’t. I have trouble bringing up trauma stuff–I feel like NT wants me to stick with the present. That’s probably all in my head, because if I’m not pushed to talk about the trauma stuff, I feel like I’ll be over-burdening people with it if I bring it up. So I’m feeling all this and remembering it all by myself.