The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Limitless October 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 8:23 pm
Tags: , ,

Most of today’s therapy session was about whether or not I’m overcommitting to the point of inevitable meltdown. I am doing a lot:
–20+ hours a week for the campaign
–my internship
–physical therapy twice a week
–knitting group twice a week
–kung fu three times a week
–therapy once a week
–Windhorse shifts Tuesday-Friday

I’m also in a good deal of pain, and I’m barely sleeping. I was going 100 mph in therapy today, thanks to 2 hours of sleep and a caffeine pill. (I know, I know. No lectures necessary.)

I went on a rant about how tired I am of everyone telling me to slow down and limit myself. I don’t want to slow down! I don’t want to be limited! I spent so long unable to do virtually anything, and it sucked. I’ve got my Windhorse team telling me to slow down and my physical therapist telling me to quit kung fu. Not gonna happen. The point of all this therapy, mental and physical, is so that I can live a normal life. So shut up and let me.

I like being busy. It gives me an escape from the craziness that rises up when I’m quiet. Also, being busy and juggling all these commitments makes me feel confident and competent.

And I’ve done at least this much before, in high school and college. Granted, I was doing a lot of self-destructive shit then that I’m making a point of not doing now. But I think I can handle it.

I know I might be careening toward disaster. I know it’s a distinct possibility, especially with the sleep deprivation. But how will I know what I’m capable of if I just lie on the couch and do nothing? For right now, I’m thriving under pressure.

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5 Responses to “Limitless”

  1. Bourbon Says:

    I think quitting kung fu would actually be a detrimental thing… it must be a great source of expression..! xx

  2. mm172001 Says:

    I think everyone has their own limit to what they can and cannot do and no one really knows that but you. I understand your dilema of wanting to lead a normal life and not overwhelming yourself also; I live with that daily.
    Maybe with more sleep you could keep up the activities and not be overwhelmed or over committed or whatever.

  3. I use a teaspoon of magnesium powder in water about 30 minutes before I go to bed and it works wonders for me. The sleeping pills and other stuff didnt work, but this did. Kat

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I take a calcium/magnesium/zinc pill with my night meds, but I don’t know if it actually helps with my sleep. I also take nortriptyline, amitriptyline, prazosin, trazodone, and gabapentin at night. The one drug that reliably knocks me out is Benadryl, but I usually get a sleep hangover the next day.

      What I really need is a light box. I have a circadian rhythm disorder that responds really well to it. When I had access to my roommate’s light box, it worked wonders. I need to get on my psychiatrist’s case about getting insurance to cover it. I can’t afford it out of pocket.

  4. Grainne Says:

    I’m with you on the keeping busy….my doc keeps trying to get me to take some time off of work to recharge but I’m terrified to because of the down time. When I slow down my mind starts going and things quickly get out of hand.
    I agree with you on the kung fu. Unless it’s detrimentally harming your body, I can’t imagine why you would stop. It’s a fantastic way to get exercise and, like Burbon said, it’s got to be a great form of expression.


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