Most of today’s therapy session was about whether or not I’m overcommitting to the point of inevitable meltdown. I am doing a lot:
–20+ hours a week for the campaign
–physical therapy twice a week
–knitting group twice a week
–kung fu three times a week
–therapy once a week
–Windhorse shifts Tuesday-Friday
I’m also in a good deal of pain, and I’m barely sleeping. I was going 100 mph in therapy today, thanks to 2 hours of sleep and a caffeine pill. (I know, I know. No lectures necessary.)
I went on a rant about how tired I am of everyone telling me to slow down and limit myself. I don’t want to slow down! I don’t want to be limited! I spent so long unable to do virtually anything, and it sucked. I’ve got my Windhorse team telling me to slow down and my physical therapist telling me to quit kung fu. Not gonna happen. The point of all this therapy, mental and physical, is so that I can live a normal life. So shut up and let me.
I like being busy. It gives me an escape from the craziness that rises up when I’m quiet. Also, being busy and juggling all these commitments makes me feel confident and competent.
And I’ve done at least this much before, in high school and college. Granted, I was doing a lot of self-destructive shit then that I’m making a point of not doing now. But I think I can handle it.
I know I might be careening toward disaster. I know it’s a distinct possibility, especially with the sleep deprivation. But how will I know what I’m capable of if I just lie on the couch and do nothing? For right now, I’m thriving under pressure.