The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Overwhelm October 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 4:53 am
Tags: , , , ,

The universe needs to fucking stop kicking me when I’m down.

Because I fucked up my account, I don’t know how I’m gonna survive the next 2 months. I’ll probably end up getting my phone cut off, which will be fun since I can’t afford home Internet. For added fun, Winston chewed through the power cable for my laptop, and I can’t afford a new one. Hell, I’m not sure how I’m gonna afford his food or mine. I fuck everything up.

And the pain…it’s gotten unbearable. Last night I was curled up in bed crying. Even the Vicodin only put a small dent in it. PT only helps for an hour or two afterward. Oh, and my physical therapist wants me to quit kung fu. The whole point of going to PT is so I can do kung fu. But then I don’t think I can afford that, either.

And the nightmares. God, the nightmares. It takes forever to get to sleep because of the pain, and then I wake up crying. I want to sleep to escape, but I keep myself awake to avoid the nightmares.

I can’t quit thinking that killing myself would solve all these problems. Winston is cute and sweet, so they’d find him a good home. God knows my family wouldn’t miss me.

Suicide is not really what I want. That’s what I came to understand during my reprieve from depression. What I want is relief, is security and comfort. I don’t need luxuries; I just want to know that I’ll be able to meet my needs. But when that looks so unlikely, when there’s so little hope of relief…what is there left but dying?

I’m sorry. I just keep saying the same stupid shit over and over. Why can’t you just be happy, for chrissake?


6 Responses to “Overwhelm”

  1. I know about trying to stay awake to avoid nightmares, but apparently sleep is good! Take it one second at a time. Take care of u xo

  2. Grainne Says:

    RE:”I just keep saying the same stupid shit over and over” – You’re just asking the same questions because you’ve yet to find the answers. That’s what I tell myself at least…xx

    I’m in pain today too…can identify with the struggle between wanting to sleep to escape only to dream terrible things I want to stay awake to escape. It’s a vicious cycle… I’m so sorry to hear that the pain is bad enough to make you quit kung fu 😦 I know that was an outlet for you, and the money troubles…wow, enough stress already eh?

    No advice. Just here with you. (hugs)

    • weordmyndum Says:

      You’re right. I’m just not patient enough, with myself or others, to wait for answers. I want it NOW, goddammit. Haven’t I suffered enough yet? There’s no justice. It’s not fucking fair. I’m hurt and I’m angry and I just want to destroy the whole universe. At least then no one would hurt anymore, including me.

  3. Linda Mulvey Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear of your nightmares.

    When I was on Haldol years ago I had terrible, psychedelic nightmares. Once I was off the drugs I never experienced anything like them again. I have been free from neuroleptics now for over 29 years although I was told I would have to take them for the rest of my life.

    Every once in awhile (rarely) though, I have taken something for sleep (Dalmane) since I realized that lack of it was what brought on my breaks. (I was a psych major in college and just happened to know about sleep studies and psychosis brought on by sleep deprivation).

    I wish you peace throughout these difficult times in your life and will keep you in my prayers. Please take care of yourself.

    ~ Linda Kay

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Yes, I’ve had psychosis from sleep deprivation too. The worst was when I combined sleep deprivation with starvation and depersonalization/derealization. That was not a fun time.

      In general my sleep has been so-so lately. I really need a light box to treat my circadian rhythm disorder, but I’m fighting with my insurance to cover it. That does more for me than all the sleep meds in the world.

  4. Winston would miss you.

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