What the hell is wrong with me? What happened?
I messed up my Windhorse household bank account again. All because I can’t remember. Then I was 20 minutes late for a commitment I’d made because I fucking forgot. My friend in California keeps calling me and I can’t deal with talking to him because I can’t even deal with my own shit. My boss hasn’t answered my email from two days ago. Something’s wrong with my electric bill, and I’m too phone phobic to call and fix it. This is also why i don’t have home internet. I’m in pain and the PT isn’t helping so far. My team wants me to have a neuropsych evaluation done. I haven’t done laundry because the semi-public-ness of the apartment complex laundry room freaks me out. NT said i was tortured. I’m behind on the data entry for the campaign. I don’t have enough money.
Everything. Nothing. I can’t cope with everyday life. I keep pretending I’m doing okay until something sets me off. Today it was the bank account fuck-up. It just illustrates how totally incompetent I am. Team Leader brought it up and I burst into tears. Then I had to go teach the knitting group, so I blew my nose, put on a grin, and talked about knitting terminology and weird porn. Then I came home and started looking up the lethal doses of the meds I have on hand.
If I can’t handle this everyday stuff now, how the flaming fuck am I going to handle it when I no longer have any psychological or financial supports? That’s coming soon. Less than a year.
I can’t make sense of why I’ll be doing okayish and then just fall apart over something relatively minor. I mean, I know money stuff is an issue for me because if how my grandfather and my mother handle money stuff, but that can’t be all that explains it. It’s not enough to make me acutely suicidal. And it’s not PMS right now, either. It doesn’t make sense, and that just distresses me even more.