The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Nonsensical October 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 5:26 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

What the hell is wrong with me? What happened?

Everything. Nothing.

I messed up my Windhorse household bank account again. All because I can’t remember. Then I was 20 minutes late for a commitment I’d made because I fucking forgot. My friend in California keeps calling me and I can’t deal with talking to him because I can’t even deal with my own shit. My boss hasn’t answered my email from two days ago. Something’s wrong with my electric bill, and I’m too phone phobic to call and fix it. This is also why i don’t have home internet. I’m in pain and the PT isn’t helping so far. My team wants me to have a neuropsych evaluation done. I haven’t done laundry because the semi-public-ness of the apartment complex laundry room freaks me out. NT said i was tortured. I’m behind on the data entry for the campaign. I don’t have enough money.

Everything. Nothing. I can’t cope with everyday life. I keep pretending I’m doing okay until something sets me off. Today it was the bank account fuck-up. It just illustrates how totally incompetent I am. Team Leader brought it up and I burst into tears. Then I had to go teach the knitting group, so I blew my nose, put on a grin, and talked about knitting terminology and weird porn. Then I came home and started looking up the lethal doses of the meds I have on hand.

If I can’t handle this everyday stuff now, how the flaming fuck am I going to handle it when I no longer have any psychological or financial supports? That’s coming soon. Less than a year.

I can’t make sense of why I’ll be doing okayish and then just fall apart over something relatively minor. I mean, I know money stuff is an issue for me because if how my grandfather and my mother handle money stuff, but that can’t be all that explains it. It’s not enough to make me acutely suicidal. And it’s not PMS right now, either. It doesn’t make sense, and that just distresses me even more.


3 Responses to “Nonsensical”

  1. Neloran Says:

    The first thought that came to my head was “Allostatic Load.” If you aren’t familiar with the term, Allostatic Load is the wear-and-tear on the body and brain resulting from chronic stimulation of the stress response.

    So, as you said at the end, the stressors may not be incidents that are dangerous themselves, but there is just SO MUCH on your plate that your body is stuck in this activated state of responding to stress.

    Hope this makes sense. It’s just what popped into my head. I’ve been in a similar boat, and it’s hard to climb out of. I prayed for a miracle or some kind of instant relief, but it takes time. Try to deal with one stressful thing a day so as to “tolerate” it instead of become overwhelmed. And be patient with yourself!


    • weordmyndum Says:

      It does make sense. I’m vaguely familiar with the concept of allostatic load, but I don’t know that much about it. I feel like a lot of the stress is in my body. I’m dealing with a lot of pain, and it’s hard to figure out if that’s exacerbated by the emotional pain or is exacerbating it. Chicken or egg, I guess.

      I need to figure out how to deal with the stress. I have this intuitive sense that body-based stuff would help, but affording it is a problem. My nurse suggested cranio-sacral work, and the woman who runs my kung fu school suggested massage. I’d be willing to try either or both, but I don’t have the money. I’m doing physical therapy, which my insurance covers, but it doesn’t get into the mind-body connection stuff that I feel like I need to work on.

      It’s so frustrating, and I’m really bad at being patient. I go along thinking everything’s okay. Then it all erupts, and it feels absolutely impossible to tolerate or even survive.

      • Neloran Says:

        Yes, I need to get into more mind-body stuff too. A lot of my trauma happened pre-verbal, and I also was behind with verbal development. So, a lot of my stuff hangs out in our body.

        I don’t have a whole lot of financial resources either, so I haven’t really been able to explore things suggested (yoga class, acupuncture, art therapy class). But here is what I have found somewhat helpful:

        Yoga (I have Netflix and they have some beginner videos on instant watch – one day I want to go to a real class, though)
        Dance (Never been formally trained, but it is important for some of my smaller parts to throw on music and dance their hearts out)
        Collage (Some of us are not artistic, but anyone can do collages and still express themselves)
        Painting/Drawing (for those who are artistic)


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