The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Irreparable October 9, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 11:19 pm
Tags: , , ,

Feeling very suicidal right now.

Should probably call team leader, but not going to. Don’t want to be talked out of it or stopped.

But is that really true? Would you be writing this here if you didn’t? You can pretend you’re not trying to reach out and feel connected, but we both know you are.

What the hell ever. Doesn’t matter, this reaching out and connecting bullshit. Hope is bullshit. Not gonna believe in it no matter how many times people say it’s real. Just cause someone says giant space dragons that eat suns are real, doesn’t make them actually real. Same thing with hope. Hope is for idiots. Just think happy thoughts and the universe will give you what you need–fucking bullshit. It’ll get better when you get older–fucking bullshit. Neuropsych evaluation will give us the answers we need–fucking bullshit.

Fact is we can’t get our life together. Oh, you do a pretty good job pretending it’s working, but you’re just a liar. And eventually your lies all fall apart. You can blame it on memory loss from ECT or depression or dissociation or your shitty childhood or giant space dragons that eat the sun or whatever the fuck else. Fact is, you just fail at life. You fuck everything up. So fucking sick of trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together. When something’s been broke too many times it just can’t be fixed.

So sick of being a failure, so sick of feeling like shit all the time, so sick of all this shit. I want out.


6 Responses to “Irreparable”

  1. Kat Says:

    I agree that hope doesnt seem to help us, but what else have we got. When Im feeling like you do, I cant think of anything that is worth keeping on going for. I just seem to get past it eventually, usually by going to sleep, as it seems to be the only escape. When Ive past that mood, I remember my kitties that I love so much and who would look after them if I was gone. I love them more than anything or anyone. Others think of their families. So Im glad I didnt do it and leave the kitties behind after the fact.
    Im sure youre not a failure. I know it sucks to feel like crap all the time, but we keep on going.
    Can you find something or someone that can keep you going? Stay strong. Kat

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Nothing’s enough anymore. Not enough to hang on and stay alive for. Somebody in my team would find a good home for my dog. My sisters would get over it. Only one of them ever talks to me anymore anyway. That’s the thing: life will go on without me. It always does.

  2. Ellen Says:

    I care. Hang in there.

  3. markps2 Says:

    I shouldn’t comment but I am. I have to confront you on the technicality of “feeling suicidal”. I think you should say “feeling despair” instead.

    I explain it as follows.
    Imagine you feel cold, do you also feel “turning on heat”? Turning on the heat is the action, the possible solution to feeling cold.
    “I feel like punching that guy”. The person has to feel angry first, before they can do the action of punching.

    Suicide is an action not a feeling.

    I write this in the hope you perceive despair as separate from suicide.

    I choose to stay alive to fight for the good things in the world.

    I remember good times of the past ( I look at photos and keepsakes) and know the current feeling of despair is temporary and should not be acted on.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Your linguistic rhetoric doesn’t quite work.

      The phrase “feeling suicidal” is interchangeable with “feeling like committing suicide.” It’s a gerund phrase, just like “turning on the heat.”

      Despair, like cold, is an undesirable feeling. Suicide, like turning on the heat, is a possible solution to a feeling you don’t want. I may not turn on the heat because gas costs are too high, so maybe I’ll throw on a sweater instead. Rather than committing suicide, maybe I’ll blog or call someone from my treatment team. But sometimes it’s so cold that a sweater isn’t enough, and you have to turn on the heat despite the high cost. It’s the same with suicide.

      I’m good at semantics and shit.

      • markps2 Says:

        “feel despair, choose suicide” is still not the same as “feel suicide”. Feeling have no choice, with our actions we do have choice. Choosing suicide rather than quitting your job, is not a feeling.

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