Feeling very suicidal right now.
Should probably call team leader, but not going to. Don’t want to be talked out of it or stopped.
But is that really true? Would you be writing this here if you didn’t? You can pretend you’re not trying to reach out and feel connected, but we both know you are.
What the hell ever. Doesn’t matter, this reaching out and connecting bullshit. Hope is bullshit. Not gonna believe in it no matter how many times people say it’s real. Just cause someone says giant space dragons that eat suns are real, doesn’t make them actually real. Same thing with hope. Hope is for idiots. Just think happy thoughts and the universe will give you what you need–fucking bullshit. It’ll get better when you get older–fucking bullshit. Neuropsych evaluation will give us the answers we need–fucking bullshit.
Fact is we can’t get our life together. Oh, you do a pretty good job pretending it’s working, but you’re just a liar. And eventually your lies all fall apart. You can blame it on memory loss from ECT or depression or dissociation or your shitty childhood or giant space dragons that eat the sun or whatever the fuck else. Fact is, you just fail at life. You fuck everything up. So fucking sick of trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together. When something’s been broke too many times it just can’t be fixed.
So sick of being a failure, so sick of feeling like shit all the time, so sick of all this shit. I want out.