The Life You Save May Be Your Own

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Orphan October 8, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 6:38 am
Tags: , ,

I’m the daughter of a narcissist.

Well, quite possibly I’m the daughter of two narcissists, but right now I’m thinking of my mother.

My mother couldn’t love me. She said she did, but it wasn’t true. I’m not sure if she was intentionally lying or if she thought what she gave me was really love. I guess it doesn’t matter that much which is true; the result is the same. She doesn’t love me.

I tried to make her love me. God, I tried so hard. I thought if I could just be better/smarter/happier/whatever-er, then she’d finally be able to love me. It never worked, of course. I was never enough. So I learned to believe I was unlovable. Deep down, I still believe that most of the time.

I was lucky, I guess. I found some surrogate mothers who gave me some of what I was missing from my own mother. In middle school, my English teacher, who pushed me to get into my fine arts high school. In high school, my Latin teacher, who listened to my problems for hours and was always, always kind. In college, a family I met through a church group. At Riggs, my third nursing care coordinator.

But they were never enough. My mother tore a huge hole in me, and no one, no matter how nurturing and kind, could ever fill it. I needed, or perhaps just wanted, too much. Even now, I’m 26, and I want a mom so much it hurts. We’re coming up on the big family holidays. I tell myself and everyone else that I don’t mind being alone, but I’m a liar.

I want a do-over. I want to be a child again, but this time I want a family capable of real love, willing to nurture and care about me.

It’s not fair.


6 Responses to “Orphan”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    I hear you, it’s absolutely not fair. x

  2. you DESERVED a family capable of real love, willing to nurture and care about you. you WERE enough – it wasn’t you that had the problem, it was your mother that has problem. i know, because i’m a daughter of a narcissist too & anyone who knows a narcissist knows that you can’t win with these people. sadly and painfully nothing can ever good enough for these people.

    i know that that doesn’t really help to fill the emptiness or ease the hurt, but i just wanted to say that there’s nothing wrong with YOU to have had to live through a life like this. it is unfair and i’m sorry.

  3. patricemj Says:

    I’m a lot older than you, but when I was 26 I felt similarly. Life really isn’t fair….however I try not to go down that road. The good news is, things can get better. I think the 20s are the worst for this kind of realization. It’s just frickin’ hard. Your mom can’t see you, that’s what it sounds like. And it is a terror not to be seen by one’s mother. Hopefully, in time and with compassion, you can move through the grief of not having the mother you wish you had. One thing that helped me was to begin to treat myself with the same love I would give someone else, everyday I checked in with myself and said, now what’s up with Patrice, what can I do to show her I care around her. I started doing that around age 33 (I wish I’d done it sooner) and it was like a miracle for me. My life has never been the same since. The blogosphere is full of enlightened people trying to turn their lives around. One of my favorites for healing is Beyond Meds. Everyday this lady posts the best of the inspirational. We all need each other so much. Take care.

  4. Neloran Says:

    I am definitely right with you. My mother is the daughter of a narcissist. And even though she tried very hard to show love and affection to me, when it came down to the important things, she just couldn’t do it. She didn’t believe I was abused – and didn’t take me seriously when I was emotionally hurt – because she didn’t want to deal with the criticism and disapproval from her mother (who she never got away from – my grandmother lived nextdoor). Things had to be perfect for her mother. As a result, I adopted a lot of the insecurities of my mother. I also always feel like nothing I do is good enough. I also feel like she never loved me. I also wander through life looking for a replacement mother.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Yeah, my mother’s reaction to the abuse is something I doubt I can ever forgive her for. When I tried to tell her, she didn’t believe me and kept sending me off to my father. Years later, when my golden child sister disclosed, suddenly my mother believed it, and she claimed she’d had no idea. She pushed and pushed for prosecution, but she never asked if that’s what I wanted. She seemed to be interested because it finally gave her a justification for hating my father, but she didn’t care about the impact on me.

  5. Bourbon Says:

    That hole is exactly what I am experiencing now. Since you said that term to me “voluntary orphans” I can’t get it out of my head. I can really identify with that word now. Especially as the last few weeks have given me real evidence of exactly what little love my family ever had for me. I was on the phone to my T the other day and begged her that she be my mum. I said it was horrible that she wouldn’t do that. It doesn’t matter how old you are – motherly love is something you always turn to at times. She knows this because she shared about her own history of having to look for motherly love elsewhere. I know its hard for you to but you can always email me if you need to offload to someone who gets it xox

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