The Life You Save May Be Your Own

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Binge October 3, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:40 am
Tags: ,

I had an honest-to-god binge tonight for the first time in probably a year.

I’ve probably mentioned my eating disorder in passing here. It’s been mostly in remission for the last year and a half, but it nearly killed me several times. It started as anorexia, turned into bulimia, and teetered back and forth for ten years.

I had been fighting the binge urge for almost a week. I resisted going to the grocery store so I wouldn’t buy binge food, but today I had to go–I was down to eating plain oatmeal. I knew it would be bad. I tried to walk past the aisles with binge foods, but I just didn’t have the self-control.

Everything seems so out of control.

I know it’s a coping thing. None of the good coping skills work well enough, so I turn to the self-destructive ones. Eventually I always circle back to this.

But I didn’t purge. I guess that’s something, right?

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3 Responses to “Binge”

  1. markps2 Says:

    You have a right to enjoy food. Eating only oatmeal (if you don’t have to) is not enjoying life. You have to find a balance, and know you are not a robot so will have a few errors.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      The thing about bingeing is you’re not enjoying the food. You’re just desperately shoving it into your mouth, unable to slow down or stop. Feeling desperate and out of control makes it impossible to enjoy.

  2. aniseoneal Says:

    Hello. The last line you wrote wasn’t a statement. It was a question….

    “But I didn’t purge. I guess that’s something, right?”

    Who were you asking that question of? We that read every word? Yourself? I hope it was both. If you were asking yourself, I believe that you really do know the answer and you should be incredibly proud of yourself. Why? Because you broke the cycle. YOU! Yes, YOU Broke the cycle. At every point in the cycle you made these choices… at each of the following points, you came to a fork in the road – a choice.

    Thought occurs :
    Action taken :
    Get ready to go out :
    Walk into the shop :
    Go to ‘Those shelves’ :
    Choose the food :
    Place the food in your basket :
    Queue up :
    Place the food on the check-out :
    Pack the food :
    Pay for the food :
    Go home :
    Put the bags on the counter-top :
    Unwrap/open the food :
    Line up the food :
    Take the first mouthful :
    Take another :
    Start to binge :
    Continue until the food is gone or you can eat no more :
    Guilt checks into your mind :
    Thought occurs, the MOST important one of all :
    I MUST get rid of this food by the fastest means available to me :
    You stand :
    I MUST get rid of this food by the fastest means available to me :
    You pause :
    The guilt is overwhelming :
    The guilt is overwhelming not only mentally but literally, physically :

    You stand at the end of the cycle. The culmination of every choice you have made thus far :
    Before you stands your two choices. The fork in the road lies before you again. Both will result in guilt : But wait… You suddenly see the signs at the end of the guilty roads. There are bumps, pot holes, thorns that tear at you skin and self-loathing along the way but… there… yes, there. Along one of them a glimmer of hope and it’s even sign-posted!! You squint up your eyes to read it…

    >
    > SUCCESS DEFEATS GUILT!
    >

    The choice to trip over the the bumps, fall into the pot holes, be scratched by the thorns and racked with guilt to get to that sign was YOURS and you took it! YOU DID IT! OMG it was hard, you almost gave up and ran back on occasion but you didn’t. You ploughed on and reached it.

    “But I didn’t purge. I guess that’s something, right?”

    WRONG! It’s not JUST something! It’s everything. Every step you took; every choice you made lead to that Signpost. You dragged yourself, crawled, fell, picked yourself up, ignored the pain of the thorns and the guilt of every footstep and you MADE IT!

    If you’re willing, be proud and if you can’t quite make it, grab onto my damn hand and I’ll haul you there because I’m certainly proud of you!

    I promise you, I’ve BEEN where you were, where you ‘have’ BEEN and where you CAN get to.

    Go through the choices. Start at the bottom if it makes it easier and work your way up.

    Anise

    Ps: Can you please put off leaving us all behind until we’ve got to know one another 😀


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