The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Apogee October 1, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 7:14 pm
Tags: , , ,

I feel like dying.

I don’t understand. I was feeling pretty good this morning. It’s something about therapy, but I don’t know what. I leave feeling worse, and it’s not the productive kind of feeling worse.

I only partly remember today’s session. I remember feeling hopeless and crying, and I remember yelling at myself to stop in my head. But I don’t remember what set it off. I remember being sure NT was sick of me, and I remember saying several times, “This is my last chance,” and I remember being angry at NT for telling me things will work out. But it’s bits and pieces, not quite coherent.

At the end of the session, she said I didn’t even look like I’d been crying.

“No, I never do,” I said.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so good at looking like I’m fine. I want people to see how much I hurt all the time. I want them to see it so I don’t have to tell them.

When I lived in Boston, a little over a year ago, I stood on the bridge over the Charles River, wanting to kill myself and wishing someone would care enough to notice and stop me. It’s this big bridge with lots of traffic–the T, cars, and pedestrians. I stood there crying at the edge of the rail. It was May, but it was cloudy and cold. No one noticed me. I don’t know what I expected from anyone; if I saw anyone crying in public, I’d assume they wanted to be left alone and walk on past. I don’t know why I thought anyone else would or even could save me.

But I want it again right now. I want someone to see how much I hurt and make it better, or at least be with me. But they can’t. I’m too far away from myself for anyone to get close enough.

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22 Responses to “Apogee”

  1. “I want them to see it so I don’t have to tell them.” is a thought I have all the time. Sometimes I try to imagine the best case scenario – thinking “what do I want to happen right now?” and just picturing it. Sometimes it’s enough.

    Be well.

  2. Bourbon Says:

    Do you think maybe you leave therapy feeling worse because you are still stuck feeling like you want to share so much but can’t because of the rules of your system? Maybe you are crying out for your T to notice that something is blocking you and break through that to reach you.
    For what its worth I can see the pain you are in xx

    • weordmyndum Says:

      That’s a good thought–you just might be right. I did manage to tell her today that I have all these rules in my head, but she didn’t ask about them at all.

      Ugh. This sucks. It would help if I could remember what went on in therapy. Or if I had a brain that wasn’t broken.

      • Bourbon Says:

        I see what you mean about you needing her to be a little bit pushier. She really does just sit on her hind legs and wait for you to offer everything. Have you ever thought of recording your sessions? though I guess that would require you explaining to the T why you need them recorded in the first place…

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I feel like I’m making her seem like a bad therapist, and she’s not. I really like her, and I’m a tough judge for therapists. I’m the problem, not her. She asked me early on how much I wanted her to push me, and I said I didn’t know. But I never came back with an answer to the question, and I really should’ve.

        So fucking frustrated with myself. Sorry.

      • Bourbon Says:

        Don’t need to be sorry. I don’t suppose it’d ever be too late to come back wth an answer would it?

    • Neloran Says:

      ^^ What Bourbon said. Here’s another “angle” to the feeling stuck and like you want to share….

      For me, I often don’t realize that a part wants to say something, because I don’t have good communication with them yet. But I started verbalizing to my T. when I felt this way and after a while we were able to figure it out – because someone felt like they weren’t being heard. And then we found out others felt that way, too.

      -Nel

      • weordmyndum Says:

        Yeah, what you’re saying makes a lot of sense. Did you have trouble getting to a point where you could verbalize it to your therapist? And if so, how did you get there?

        I have GOT to find a way around the goddamn rules in my head.

      • Neloran Says:

        I have a lot of trouble being aware of my (our) feelings or reactions. And then, when I start to become aware, I have a hard time putting it into words. I guess week after week of dealing with the fallout of therapy, I finally recalled how emotionally painful it was during session and told her that I was having trouble dealing with the “emotional fallout” – my words exactly.

        She helped me explore it a little more, and we figured out it was a part who was upset because she didn’t get a chance to talk. We tried to invite anyone who wants to talk to the therapy session, but then the part hid!

        Now we’re trying to find safe/non-verbal ways of letting her vent until she feels safe enough to talk.

        -Nel

      • Neloran Says:

        Also —

        It might be helpful to remember the rules may have been created originally to help you stay safe. Following the rules may have even made you feel safer at times. When you start to lock up/shut down, it might be helpful to acknowledge the part(s) who followed those rules, that you understand why they were created, but today with T. it is safe to speak openly with her.

        Also also — It’s ok if this doesn’t work right away. Internally…may not believe it right away. It will take practice and time..

        -Nel

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I’m not good at patience. At all. I want to be better NOW. I know that it’s a process, but right now it just feels so unbearable. Everything. There’s this sense of desperate urgency to make SOMETHING work so I don’t feel like this. Because right now I just want to tear my skin off and escape. It doesn’t make any sense, I know. Sorry.

      • Neloran Says:

        I think it makes total sense. Those are the feelings you had to push away back then… the sense of urgency, as you put it. In a triggered state, you can suddenly feel THAT intense again. It may not rationally make sense but it’s a true feeling from back then.

        It’s hard! I get stuck all the time. Emotions go from 0 to 10 and there’s no moderation, because we just couldn’t feel them back then.

        -Nel

  3. I couldn’t remember my therapy sessions either up until 2-3 years ago. But it didn’t seem to matter that I couldn’t remember anything we’d talked about because I benefited just from having someone kind, caring, empathetic and compassionate being with me each session. I know that doesn’t help you much but I just wanted to point out it doesn’t necessarily matter if you remember what you talked about in therapy. So long as you have someone who makes you feel safe and heard. 80% of therapy is relationship.

    At one time I used to laugh whenever I should have been crying so of course no one thought I was in as much pain as I was. The only thing that helped was to force myself to cry and be serious in front of my different therapists. Sometimes you have to ‘act’ the way they expect you to in your situation. Not sure if that helps. Probably not 😦

    Hope your low mood gets better.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I think a big part of the problem is that I don’t feel heard. It’s not my therapist’s fault–it’s because I have these rules in my head that won’t let me say what I need to say, and I have yet to find a way around or out of them.

      God, even I am sick of hearing this crap coming out of my mouth. Cry more, baby. Then grow the fuck up and shut the fuck up. NT says she’s not sick of you but obviously she’s lying. Everybody’s sick of your stupid whiny bullshit.

      God. Sorry. Not sure who that’s coming from, but I’m hearing it very loudly in my head.

  4. ligeandcrew Says:

    stef and i and forest, can all feel how much you hurt.
    all of us fronters can hear it – but the three of us can feel it.

    and we do care, very much – if being cared about by a multi counts. 9not being sarcastic, i just know sometimes things feel like they don;t count.)

    but stef is a real person, with or without us. so maybe if the rest of us can’t quite seem for real, she can.

    matter of fact, i’ll let you talk to her. [[[[hugs]]]] dodge

    hi, this is stef –
    whoever was speaking here, are you actively suicidal right now ? we won’t be able to be online much tonight and tomorrow, going in for that colonoscopy – can you contract with me that you will keep yourself alive until wednesday night, or are things more urgent than that ?
    please do let me know, this procedure can be rescheduled. you are more important.

    what i’m about to say might sound like bullshit, but i’m gonna say it anyway because it’s true –
    these feelings you;re having are NOT permanent. they do go away at some point. for some people they leave forever – for others they come back more and more diminished each time until they;re…….what’s the word i want. until their bearability factor has gone from torture chamber to mosquito bite.
    seriously. i give you my word on that.

    please let me know if you can hang in til wed. evening, or if you don;t think you can. and please don;t listen to those rules in your head, if it scares you to break one i will personally kick its ass until you’re strong enough to kick it yourself.

    there, this is metaphorical and not literal – but this is someone answering your distress signal from a year ago on that bridge. from the number of replies, iy looks like your getting several answers, they’re coming in late – but they’re coming.. – stef


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