I’m feeling really crappy tonight. I know a lot of it’s hormonal, but that doesn’t make me feel any less crappy.
Some of it is also therapy withdrawal, for lack of a better term.
I really like NT. She’s kind, she likes me, we agree on a lot. But because of that, I end up in this weird dynamic with her where I don’t really get into heavy stuff because I want to keep the good feelings.
But then after I leave, I feel even more alone. I feel like the connection is fake because I’m not being real, though it’s never a conscious intention. Then I also worry that if I start getting into the dark, heavy stuff, then I’ll lose the kindness and connection.
I get so frustrated with myself. I shouldn’t need so desperately to receive kindness from someone–I’m an adult, for god’s sake. I also need to know–I mean really KNOW–that she’s not one of the people who deserted me when I started dealing with the abuse. She’s been a therapist for 30 years, and she’s a trauma specialist. She can handle it. If she couldn’t, she would’ve gotten out of the business a long time ago.
I need to ask her to push me more. I know that’s what I need, but I also know there’s almost no chance I’ll actually ask her for that. Asking for anything from her is against The Rules In My Head. Talking about abuse stuff without being asked is also against The Rules. I wish i had her email address–it’s easier to break the rules if it’s not face-to-face. But I don’t have her email, and asking is against The Rules. So I’ve got myself good and stuck.
I hate my brain so much right now.