The Life You Save May Be Your Own

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Therapy Withdrawal September 25, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:30 am
Tags: , , , ,

I’m feeling really crappy tonight. I know a lot of it’s hormonal, but that doesn’t make me feel any less crappy.

Some of it is also therapy withdrawal, for lack of a better term.

I really like NT. She’s kind, she likes me, we agree on a lot. But because of that, I end up in this weird dynamic with her where I don’t really get into heavy stuff because I want to keep the good feelings.

But then after I leave, I feel even more alone. I feel like the connection is fake because I’m not being real, though it’s never a conscious intention. Then I also worry that if I start getting into the dark, heavy stuff, then I’ll lose the kindness and connection.

I get so frustrated with myself. I shouldn’t need so desperately to receive kindness from someone–I’m an adult, for god’s sake. I also need to know–I mean really KNOW–that she’s not one of the people who deserted me when I started dealing with the abuse. She’s been a therapist for 30 years, and she’s a trauma specialist. She can handle it. If she couldn’t, she would’ve gotten out of the business a long time ago.

I need to ask her to push me more. I know that’s what I need, but I also know there’s almost no chance I’ll actually ask her for that. Asking for anything from her is against The Rules In My Head. Talking about abuse stuff without being asked is also against The Rules. I wish i had her email address–it’s easier to break the rules if it’s not face-to-face. But I don’t have her email, and asking is against The Rules. So I’ve got myself good and stuck.

I hate my brain so much right now.


5 Responses to “Therapy Withdrawal”

  1. colourtheday Says:

    I used to write down stuff and bring it with me for her to read… maybe that’s an idea?

  2. Bourbon Says:

    I can understand what you are saying. You want to move up to the next step of your therapy and healing but your system is stopping you from doing that. And you are left feeling things are a bit superficial. Kind, but superficial.
    Of course you need kindness from someone. Regardless of whether you are an adult or not. You were deprived of much safe kindness as a child and you need it now. You are afraid to rock the boat in case that kindness gets snatched away. Perfectly understandable. For what its worth I think that as you have spent some time building up that connection with your therapist, nothing you say about your past experiences will take that away. If anything, it will boost the connection because she will know that you have got to the point where you can completely trust her. The kindness won’t go away when you start talking about heavy stuff. It will be embedded in it.
    I am also finding that some sessions I don’t want to talk about heavy stuff and instead I want to go back to the more surface relationship building type session. When I get that urge I try to listen to it. It doesn’t always have to be about heavy. You can mix and match.
    But I know this is all a bit redundant considering your system has these rules to prohibit you talking anyway. I wish we could find a way around that. I know we were talking about you sharing the rules with your T? xx

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Yeah, I do need to write out The Rules. Lots of internal resistance even to doing that. I’m so frustrated–I’m blocking myself at every turn. Ugh. I need to just put on my big girl panties and deal with it, do what needs to be done. Everybody’s sick of me whining about how hard it is.

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