It’s been suggested to me that I’m overly boundaried. I’m pretty sure boundaried isn’t actually a word, but the point is still valid.
I guess I feel, on some level, that I’m dangerous and need to protect people from myself. So I enforce upon myself these rigid boundaries, much stricter than what most of the people I’m protecting would set for me. I don’t feel like I have a choice most of the time–often I’d like to ask for more from people, but there are these ironclad rules in my head that some part of me won’t let me break. I’ve mostly given up on trying to circumvent them because, try as I might, I can’t.
I feel like I frustrate people because I can’t break these rules. I know I should be able to take up my therapist on her offer of twice a week sessions, call people on my treatment team when I’m in crisis, or tell my therapist she upset me. I know good and well that these are not socially unacceptable things, and I know it would be for my own benefit. But when people tell me it’s okay, I shoot them down because I know I can’t break my own rules.
Or is it won’t? It feels like can’t, but maybe that’s just the crap I tell myself to justify staying in my comfort zone. How do I even tell?
The only times I’ve been able to break the rules is when I’ve had a therapist who insisted. My Riggs therapist would sometimes get me to come to extra sessions by saying she’d be very worried if I didn’t show up. My Boston therapist told me she needed to hear from me every day when I was in crisis, and she was always the one to call/text/email me first. Right now I don’t have a therapist (or treatment team) who does that, so I can’t break the rules without permission.
How in the world do I get around this?