I hate apologies. Not making them–I’m so good at making them that I apologize to inanimate objects.
I hate receiving apologies.
I feel like I don’t deserve them. I feel like I deserve to be hurt. I feel guilty for making anyone feel like they have to apologize because that means I made them feel bad. The bigger the issue, the worse the apology makes me feel. Someone apologizing for stepping on my foot is relatively minor, but someone apologizing for forgetting me is so bad I think of suicide.
NT apologized today for forgetting me.
“It’s all right,” I said. “It happens.”
“I dropped the ball,” she said.
“It’s not a big deal. Really.”
I know I should’ve told her how much it upset me, all the noise and feelings it stirred up inside. I know I should be able to discuss the therapy relationship with my therapist, but I just felt too guilty.
It’s never been an easy thing for me to do, but I’d gotten better about it while I was at Riggs. My therapist there really pushed me to acknowledge feeling toward her (and others), even if they were “bad” feelings. Since then, I’ve gotten out of practice. It’s not something I can do without being pushed.
So I shut out my system and just made small talk with NT, nothing of much substance. I like her, but I think it’s going to take a while to trust her again–she’s not going to push me. I’m sure there will be consequences for shutting my system out.
This is the best I can do right now. I’m sorry.