The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Ambivalence September 16, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 12:39 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I don’t know why, but I’m feeling very small and alone today.

No, that’s not true. I do have some ideas about why.

For starters, I’ve been too sick to do my normal weekend stuff, meaning much less human contact. My nurse did come over and bring me some soup this afternoon, but that’s the only person I’ve talked to all day.

Also, it wasn’t actually me (Sara) who went to the ER–it was Kenna, who’s nine, though she does a very good job passing as me. It scared her to be there, which could explain why I’m feeling so little–those feelings sometimes bleed through to me.

And I’m upset about what happened with NT, even though I know it’s a dumb thing to be upset about, especially a week after the fact. She did call me on wednesday and asked why she hadn’t seen me in a while. I said I dunno and didn’t say I’d shown up and she hadn’t. But unbeknownst to me, my team leader called her later that day and did tell her. Apparently she didn’t think to tell me she would be away and reschedule the usual appointment. I’m seeing her again on Monday.

The feelings–anger, sadness, guilt, betrayal, mistrust–are flying every which way, too fast for me to deal with them. There’s a strong urge to just not show up–whether it’s to protect myself from being hurt again or to show her how it feels to be stood up, I don’t know. Or maybe the urge is just the result of my pathological avoidance of anything conflictual or painful. I don’t even know.

I do know that if I go, I’ll be too guarded to tell her how I feel about being forgotten, or the stress with Ex, or the fear of the hospital. So it seems almost pointless to go. Still, I’m trying to convince my selves to give NT one last chance.


11 Responses to “Ambivalence”

  1. onwindydays Says:

    Oh no, hopefully everything turns out ok. There’s no reason to feel small or alone, trust me! You will always find people to help you on your way. Trust me šŸ™‚

    • weordmyndum Says:

      That’s the thing about DID, though–you can’t help feeling small.

      Really I think no one can help feeling how they feel. You can choose how you react to those feelings, but you can’t choose how you feel.

      • onwindydays Says:

        Oh, I see…You are right, we all have feelings. We may not be able to control what feelings we have for what situation, but we can control how you deal with them. I never thought about it that way. Also, thanks for the follow, I will be back more often šŸ™‚

  2. Bourbon Says:

    I know this is a bit of a rubbish suggestion but perhaps you could write on a note how you felt about her neglecting to tell you about the appointment ? Then you can just give it to her as you run out the door because to be honest she needs to be aware and be far more careful. But I know verbal confrontation with this stuff is so hard.

  3. Ellen Says:

    If you can’t talk to her about anything important, IMO it is useless to go see her. You really do have to tell her how you felt when she ‘stood you up’. Doing that would be giving her another chance. Going to see her and withholding this really would be lying and what is the point of that?

    I can really see why you don’t want to go back. It would at least be an honest expression of how you feel, and you could find someone else who is at least professional.

    My 2 cents.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      We all hold things back from other people, including our therapists. We even hold things back from ourselves–“You know before you know, of course.” I don’t consider that lying. And any good therapist should, in my opinion, understand that not everything can or will be said. They understand there are things we’re too frightened or angry or ashamed to say. That’s human nature. I don’t think it’s wrong. It may not be the absolute best thing in the world, but it is normal self-protection.

      As for finding someone else…no. I’m just too tired. It took the better part of 6 months to find her. I’m severely limited by both insurance and by not having a car. Believe me, I searched and searched for someone who took my insurance and was within walking distance or on a bus route. If it doesn’t work with her, then I’m done trying.

  4. brandic32 Says:

    Sara, I’m so sorry. I have never had a therapist simply just not show up to the appointment, and I know that it would be horribly upsetting if it did happen. The fact that she didn’t apologize and try to make amends actually seems more hurtful and upsetting (to me anyway) than her not showing up. Did she actually say that she just didn’t think to tell you that she wasn’t going to be there? No wonder you feel angry and hurt and everything else. I would be beside myself. It’s completely invalidating of your feelings, your experience, your importance. And then take into consideration all the hassle you had to go through to get there – since you couldn’t simply just drive yourself. It was a several hour trip. I am angry on your behalf. I know you feel as though you can’t bring your feelings of anger/hurt up, but if you are going to continue with this person, and even have a chance at having an open, trusting relationship with them, I would suggest trying to tell her how you feel about it. Even if it is writing it down beforehand and just handing her the piece of paper. You are entitled to your feelings, and even though it might feel like “what’s the point if she doesn’t care anyways”, it’s a way of making your feelings valid and heard. You cannot control how she’s going to respond to them, but at least you are putting yourself and your feelings first. Just a thought. You deserve acknowledgment, validation, and if nothing else, at least a sincere apology. It was her that fucked up after all. And if she doesn’t think she did anything wrong by not telling you she couldn’t make the appointment, quite honestly I don’t think she’s even worth one second of your time. Imho.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      She didn’t apologize because I didn’t tell her I’d shown up. I think when she called me she thought we’d just forgotten to schedule the next appointment. It wasn’t until after she called me that my team leader called and told her.

      I don’t really want her to apologize or make amends–I always feel horrifically guilty when they do. Like, what right do I have to think anyone owes me an apology? It’s always my fault, even when it’s not, and I deserve to be hurt. If someone does apologize, I feel like I have to hurt myself to make up for it.

      I know that’s crazy, but it’s how my brain works. And I know I won’t be able to tell her it upset me, even though I know I should.

      • brandic32 Says:

        I hear you. You should do what feels right. It isn’t about “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”, or feeling guilty about anything, it’s about what you want and what feels best for you. I’m sorry that you blame yourself for everything. I hope you realize that you aren’t really to blame, especially in situations like this.

        I also just wish you didn’t have to hold it all inside. xx

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. Sorry. Just feel like I’m failing at everything and I’m a terrible fucked-up person. I feel guilty for everything right now.

  5. brandic32 Says:

    No need to apologize lovely. If it helps, I don’t see you as fucked-up terrible person at all. Just someone who is struggling. I’m just sorry you are feeling this way.

    Hoping tomorrow is better. Sending safe hugs. xxx

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