I don’t know why, but I’m feeling very small and alone today.
No, that’s not true. I do have some ideas about why.
For starters, I’ve been too sick to do my normal weekend stuff, meaning much less human contact. My nurse did come over and bring me some soup this afternoon, but that’s the only person I’ve talked to all day.
Also, it wasn’t actually me (Sara) who went to the ER–it was Kenna, who’s nine, though she does a very good job passing as me. It scared her to be there, which could explain why I’m feeling so little–those feelings sometimes bleed through to me.
And I’m upset about what happened with NT, even though I know it’s a dumb thing to be upset about, especially a week after the fact. She did call me on wednesday and asked why she hadn’t seen me in a while. I said I dunno and didn’t say I’d shown up and she hadn’t. But unbeknownst to me, my team leader called her later that day and did tell her. Apparently she didn’t think to tell me she would be away and reschedule the usual appointment. I’m seeing her again on Monday.
The feelings–anger, sadness, guilt, betrayal, mistrust–are flying every which way, too fast for me to deal with them. There’s a strong urge to just not show up–whether it’s to protect myself from being hurt again or to show her how it feels to be stood up, I don’t know. Or maybe the urge is just the result of my pathological avoidance of anything conflictual or painful. I don’t even know.
I do know that if I go, I’ll be too guarded to tell her how I feel about being forgotten, or the stress with Ex, or the fear of the hospital. So it seems almost pointless to go. Still, I’m trying to convince my selves to give NT one last chance.