I can’t take much more, I really can’t.
Saw both real therapist and fake therapist today. Told both of them I feel like nothing is helping and I need a plan and hope that things will change.
NT basically said this isn’t the kind of thing where you can set a step by step plan and fix it. I know she’s right, but where am I supposed to find hope if not in a plan? I need SOMETHING to hold onto. I’ve spent most of my life being told that if I’d just hang on a little longer, things would get better. I can’t hang onto intangible promises anymore. What else is left? What else can I hold onto? I need someone to tell me they can fix me. Not maybe, not I can try–I can fix you.
On the bus ride from real therapist to fake therapist, I hated everyone who looked like they had a life. Especially the kids at UMass. People just take it for granted, having a life, and I hate all of them for it.
Then fake therapy with fake therapist. It was horrible and I fell apart. I think she was trying to be sympathetic (“I can see you’re feeling terrible,” etc.), but it just made me feel more alone. I count stop crying. Even afterward, walking home, I couldn’t stop, even though the cop directing traffic was staring at me. Even now, I can’t stop.
But I took a cocktail of Benadryl, flexeril, and gabapentin that should stop the crying. Hopefully they’ll knock me out for the rest of the night, too. I’m supposed to do some data entry for the campaign and then go to kung fu, but I just can’t deal with either one right now. As it is, I’m already fighting an extremely strong compulsion to kill myself by taking all my meds, which would be bad since I’m on two tricyclics. Mild overdoses to knock me out are the lesser of two evils.