The Life You Save May Be Your Own

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Hopelessness August 27, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 7:58 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I can’t take much more, I really can’t.

Saw both real therapist and fake therapist today. Told both of them I feel like nothing is helping and I need a plan and hope that things will change.

NT basically said this isn’t the kind of thing where you can set a step by step plan and fix it. I know she’s right, but where am I supposed to find hope if not in a plan? I need SOMETHING to hold onto. I’ve spent most of my life being told that if I’d just hang on a little longer, things would get better. I can’t hang onto intangible promises anymore. What else is left? What else can I hold onto? I need someone to tell me they can fix me. Not maybe, not I can try–I can fix you.

On the bus ride from real therapist to fake therapist, I hated everyone who looked like they had a life. Especially the kids at UMass. People just take it for granted, having a life, and I hate all of them for it.

Then fake therapy with fake therapist. It was horrible and I fell apart. I think she was trying to be sympathetic (“I can see you’re feeling terrible,” etc.), but it just made me feel more alone. I count stop crying. Even afterward, walking home, I couldn’t stop, even though the cop directing traffic was staring at me. Even now, I can’t stop.

But I took a cocktail of Benadryl, flexeril, and gabapentin that should stop the crying. Hopefully they’ll knock me out for the rest of the night, too. I’m supposed to do some data entry for the campaign and then go to kung fu, but I just can’t deal with either one right now. As it is, I’m already fighting an extremely strong compulsion to kill myself by taking all my meds, which would be bad since I’m on two tricyclics. Mild overdoses to knock me out are the lesser of two evils.

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19 Responses to “Hopelessness”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    Sara… I’m so sorry. And I know there isn’t much I can say to help. I know the place you are in. Just know there are people here who know what you’re going through and who want to support you. Please feel free to email me if-ever and whenever you’d like. You are not alone in this. xx

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Thank you. It does help some to know there are people who care. I just feel like that slips away so easily, you know? If someone isn’t physically there with me, in my mind they don’t exist or care. I hate that I do that because it feels like I’m rejecting people’s kindness and care, and I don’t want to do that. I hate this so much.

      • brandic32 Says:

        Yes, I do know. I do exactly the same thing. Just remember though you are not actually *rejecting* kindness and care, you are simply overwhelmed with it all that you are being loaded down with and you simoly cannot hold anymore.

        I know it feels so hard right now. I know you don’t want to keep trying. I know you want answers and assurances. I know things feel like too much. Just remember – it won’t always feel this way. I think there’s a difference between that and “just hold on,” or “things will get better.” I know it might be slight, but I’ve found this to help at times.

        When things are so very painful, sometimes the best thing is just to try super super hard to focus *only* on the basics. Eat. Sleep. Get dressed. Etc. etc.

        Again, I’m here to listen if you want/need it. I’m so sorry things are so very hard right now. xx

  2. Ellen Says:

    It sounds really rough and I feel for you. I kind of think you’re better off crying than stopping it with meds. Well, I tend to be anyway, though you may be different.

    It does sound difficult when you don’t have any kind of direction you might be going in. Even if it wasn’t a step-by-step kind of a plan, I’d think you need some conception of what is going to help you.

    Maybe the cop staring felt bad for you and wished he could help.

    What is a fake therapist?

    • weordmyndum Says:

      The self-medicating was more to keep myself from attempting suicide than to stop the crying. If I knock myself out, then I can’t off myself. Not an ideal solution, but sometimes it’s the only thing that works.

      Fake therapist is my nice but therapeutically useless Windhorse therapist. Her entire repertoire of responses is basically “That’s helpful for me to know” and “I can’t really relate to that.” So I tend not to tell her anything of substance. But today I just couldn’t stop crying.

      As for the cop…I know it’s not fair, but in my mind all cops are my father. They all want to abuse their power and abuse me. My heart starts racing every time I see a cop or a patrol car.

  3. Is there something you want to get better for?

    • weordmyndum Says:

      To finish undergrad and go to law school. To practice constitutional and civil rights advocacy law, particularly at its intersection with mental health law and practice. To keep other people from experiencing the trauma I’ve been through at the hands of the mental health system. To help people.

  4. 😦 *hugs* I’ll be thinking of you, too. I don’t have much of a life, so I understand resenting everyone else because they have one.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Yeah…I wanted to punch all these little college kids giggling with their friends or discussing Vonnegut. Why do they get a life and I don’t? What did I do that was so terrible I can’t have my life? I want to lash out and hurt somebody, but I can’t hurt the people who hurt me.

      • You’re supposed to be more special than them. I understand wanting to hate all these people, I still have bouts of it on the odd occasion. But they will never be half the amazing person you are, because despite of everything you are still here and you writing all this stuff is already helping x

      • weordmyndum Says:

        It’s not helping, though. I write and it doesn’t help; I still feel just as bad. I’m not more special than them…I’m just more fucked up.

  5. Grainne Says:

    Just here with hugs for you xx Wish I could help make this easier somehow. xx

  6. Bourbon Says:

    Hey Sara – sorry it has taken me a while to get to this post…. how are you doing? did you manage to get some much needed rest from all the pain? xx

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I’m still about the same. My psychiatrist upped my antidepressant again because he thinks this is a result of decreasing my meds, but I don’t think that’s what it is. In the meantime my treatment team is basically babysitting me, which is wicked frustrating.

      • Bourbon Says:

        Okay – well fingers crossed the anti depressants at least do a little bit even if it can’t possibly be the cause or the thing that’s going to make it all better. Are u staying with fake therapist? I get the impression she is actually making your sense of hopelessness worse not better..

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I’m cutting down to once a week with fake therapist since I finally have a real therapist. I just never tell fake therapist anything substantive except when I just can’t keep myself from falling apart.

      • Bourbon Says:

        Yeah I guess if you just want someone to listen then she’s there but I’ve had therapists before who just sort of ride the waves and say what you want to hear and it’s so not helpful. Glad you got a proper therapist too.

  7. I know how you feel. Im guessing you read my last post where I was feeling much like you were. I went to bed and am just taking it day by day. Surely, life is not meant to be like this. I hope you feel better soon. Kat


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