The Life You Save May Be Your Own

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The Long, Twilight Struggle August 25, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 12:57 am
Tags: , , , ,

I’m do frustrated with treatment. I actually considered quitting therapy today. I feel like nothing is getting me anywhere.

I’ve done nearly every kind of therapy you can think of: DBT, CBT, religious “therapy,” pastoral counseling, EMDE, hypnosis, psychodynamic therapy, and a bunch of combined/eclectic styles. I’ve been on too many meds to list and have been hospitalized more times than I care to remember. For months, I thought the Deplin had cured me.

The depression snuck up on me, but now it’s kicking my ass. I’m doing all the things you’re supposed to do–going to therapy, taking my meds, eating right, exercising, volunteering, socializing–but it’s not helping. And having had, for the first time, freedom from depression, this recent bout of depression feels even worse.

I’m quickly running out of the strength to keep fighting it. I don’t have anything to hold onto. People keep telling me there’s hope, but I can’t feel it. I think I only hold on still because I’m a stubborn pain in the ass.

I feel like I need my team to be more aggressive in trying to beat the depression back. I’m out of ideas, so I need my team and NT to come up with some. I can’t just sit with it anymore. I can’t wait around for my psychiatrist to mess with my meds, wait several weeks to see if it works, realize it doesn’t, try something else, and repeat the whole cycle ad nauseam.

I just don’t know what else there is to try.

“In the long, twilight struggle that lies ahead of you, there is the possibility of hope.”
–Draal, Babylon 5

I need to be able to believe again in the possibility of hope.

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8 Responses to “The Long, Twilight Struggle”

  1. Neloran Says:

    It sounds like you know what you need. Tell your treatment team you need a more hands-on approach right now (or aggressive, as you put it). Hang in there…

    Don’t give up on all that you’re doing. Keep fighting it.

    -Nel

    • Bourbon Says:

      I agree with Nel. I can understand the frustration- can you be honest with your team and let them know they need to be a bit more pro active atm? X

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I do plan on telling them, but I’m not sure how far that’ll get me. Their hearts are in the right place, but they’re kind of laissez faire and expect the answers and motivation to come from me…and I have neither right now. Their whole thing is “being present,” which is all well and good but not all I need right now. I think I might get farther with my therapist, since she’s not a Windhorse person.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I’m planning to tell them that, but I don’t know how far it’ll get me. They’re good folks but not very methodical. They think all you have to do is acknowledge the distress and be present for the client, but that’s really not enough right now. If I could tell them specifically what I need, they’d try, but I don’t know what I need. It really sucks.

  2. I do know that feeling. I am having a little bit of it now, but no to the same degree I did back when I was in the cycle you are in right now.
    The only thing I can say is you’re not alone, I hope things get better soon x

  3. mm172001 Says:

    I understand where you’re coming from I’ve spent years in different therpaies, groups, programs and treatments. Gone medication, ECT, VNS therapy route. Over a dozen hospitalizations plus partials and crisis residential. For me part of it is finding the right fit for a person along with a style. I’ve been seeing my case manager for 5+ years and for along time no progress was made there were trust issues and her style just wasn’t working; many times I thought about quitting but honestly I didn’t have anything better to do so I just kept it up. Recently we are realizing more about eachother and especially about me and it’s helping me tons and even gets me hopeful at times. I saw your list of therpaies and have done many myself. Wondering if you have ever heard of schema therapy, it’s helpful with a lot of people. I tend to bounce between “types” of therapies with my case manager using whatever will work for the time being.
    I hope things get better and some form of hope returns or therapy or your treatment team can figure something out.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I haven’t done schema therapy. I’m pretty much limited by what my insurance covers, and as I live in a small town in a rural area, there aren’t many therapists who take Medicare and MassHealth (MA Medicaid). It took the better part of five months to find the therapist I’m seeing now.

      It frustrates me to no end how hard it is to get adequate treatment.

  4. I think being stubborn is a strength here. I think that’s why I’ve been able to hold on, anyway. I’d say try to cling to that stubbornness. Also, if you’ve been able to have freedom from depression, surely it can happen again. *hugs*


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