I’m do frustrated with treatment. I actually considered quitting therapy today. I feel like nothing is getting me anywhere.
I’ve done nearly every kind of therapy you can think of: DBT, CBT, religious “therapy,” pastoral counseling, EMDE, hypnosis, psychodynamic therapy, and a bunch of combined/eclectic styles. I’ve been on too many meds to list and have been hospitalized more times than I care to remember. For months, I thought the Deplin had cured me.
The depression snuck up on me, but now it’s kicking my ass. I’m doing all the things you’re supposed to do–going to therapy, taking my meds, eating right, exercising, volunteering, socializing–but it’s not helping. And having had, for the first time, freedom from depression, this recent bout of depression feels even worse.
I’m quickly running out of the strength to keep fighting it. I don’t have anything to hold onto. People keep telling me there’s hope, but I can’t feel it. I think I only hold on still because I’m a stubborn pain in the ass.
I feel like I need my team to be more aggressive in trying to beat the depression back. I’m out of ideas, so I need my team and NT to come up with some. I can’t just sit with it anymore. I can’t wait around for my psychiatrist to mess with my meds, wait several weeks to see if it works, realize it doesn’t, try something else, and repeat the whole cycle ad nauseam.
I just don’t know what else there is to try.
“In the long, twilight struggle that lies ahead of you, there is the possibility of hope.”
–Draal, Babylon 5
I need to be able to believe again in the possibility of hope.