The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Not Okay August 23, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 12:32 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m not okay.

Had plans with a friend to get coffee before I went to my kung fu class. I spent 3 hours Monday night listening to her while she was having a rough time, but she didn’t show up and didn’t bother calling or texting to say she couldn’t make it. I guess that shows how much I matter: only when I’m useful.

I was so exhausted and depressed that I couldn’t make myself go to kung fu after that, even though I knew it would make me feel better. Instead I put Winston in the crate (bad puppy mom) and took a nap.

Naturally, I had a nightmare.

It was about being homeless. It’s something that’s been on my mind a lot lately, what with my grandfather demanding progress (a term he won’t define) and Paul Ryan wanting to gut Social Security and Medicare. (I know it’s stupid to be so affected by politics, but I am.) In my dream my mother and grandfather kicked me out. My youngest sister was trying to help by hiding me in her bedroom, but my mother found me. She hit me over and over and then shoved me out the door. It was freezing cold with deep snow, and this time I didn’t even have a car to live in.

I woke up with an intense urge to get a kitchen knife, stab it all the way through my forearm (between the radius and ulna), and jerk it around. This is not a new image/urge, but it’s been more than a year since it last popped up.

I’ve spent the last hour debating whether to call my team leader. She wouldn’t mind me calling, but I feel like it wouldn’t help, so I shouldn’t bother her. What I want is for someone to convince me everything will be okay, burnout one can do that. Lacking that, all the support I have just seems useless.


7 Responses to “Not Okay”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    I just want to say that I hear you, and that I’m sorry you had this happen. People are lame. Sorry I am not the one with the words to cheer you up, since I’m not feeling the slightest bit optimistic at the moment, but I can sit with you in that dark place. Hope this passes soon.

  2. aynetal3 Says:

    I’d like to say that everything is going to be ok, but obviously that lies in your choices made. I’d rather say I believe in you for good choices and decisions made! We’re thinking here that maybe the next time you set course plan to do it without “the friend.” She did you no favors this round. 😦 Flashbacks/nightmares are tough no matter which way you go … wish I had good advise here … Pretty much the best I can do … and it’s important … is to BE SAFE!!! You can do this!

    Our best,

  3. Bourbon Says:

    Yeah – I often find that I am only wanted when I am useful. As soon as people have used up all my resources I am flicked off of them like a fruit fly. I get that a lot because I give too much to people. I’m sorry this friend let you down. What a horrible thing to do. Those urges with the kitchen knife are very familiar. Typically they come via one of my alters who has an obsession with knifes but I still end up being the one to fight them. Did you call your team leader? I guess you can’t be sure it wouldn’t help… you may be pleasantly surprised? sending warm thoughts your way xx

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I did try to call, but I got a busy signal. Then I felt too guilty to call back. I made it through the night, and I see my therapist tomorrow. Maybe that’ll help, but I’m not holding out much hope. I wish I could just hibernate until this gets better.

      • Bourbon Says:

        I know what you mean. Every time I contact my T in any way (email, text, phone) I just feel immensely guilty for doing so. No amount of her calming me on this issue is helping but we are living by old values that we do not deserve help/recognition and it will take time to work through this. I’m glad you made it through the night and are seeing your T tomorrow but if you need to call today I urge you to try again. As you say, what is the point in having this team behind you if you don’t feel you can call them for help? I’m assuming this is a new thing for you to do but it may become invaluable when things get hard in therapy? Sometimes another perspective is much needed. I wish I could make you feel better but I know you will in time, and when the world cuts you a break xx

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I know it’s old stuff, but I always feel like I’m too much for anyone to handle. I remember telling my therapist at Riggs that I’m a black hole that swallows all the care everyone gives me but I’m still empty. I don’t feel that way as often anymore, but it still rears its ugly head when I’m not doing well.

        I want a new brain, man.

      • Bourbon Says:

        I used to tell my old mentor that her care goes into a cup in my mind; only it drips away surprisingly quickly, I always need more and more. Like you though, i don’t feel that way much anymore. I feel I can internalise peoples care a lot more and keep a hold of it. But it is still a struggle to reach out for it sometimes without the guilt. I hate that empty feeling – but, and I mean this with concern – a lot of the time too our emptiness is because we have withdrawn. Well, a mixture of us withdrawing from people and stupid people like your friend leaving you in the lurch anyway. A new brain would be good ay. Let’s put these old ones in a jar and give them to the abusers. They can deal with it.

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