The Life You Save May Be Your Own

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Mea Maxima Culpa August 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:24 am
Tags: , , , ,

I have a confession to make.

I’ve been seeing NT for maybe about a month now, and I haven’t told her about the DID. I guess I’m just too scared. She knows I have a history of severe trauma, and she knows I dissociate.

I guess I’m afraid if I tell her, she might think I’m making it up. I was diagnosed by a therapist with a lot of experience with dissociative clients and a PhD, and the diagnosis was confirmed by a psychiatrist who’s an expert in DID. But when I was hospitalized last summer at Menninger, which is supposed to be one of the best psych hospitals in the country, I was told they “saw no sign of DID whatsoever” and that I was making it up as “part of a borderline ploy for attention.” So now I’m afraid no one will believe me, even though NT is nothing like the people at that Menninger.

I feel like I should tell her. I think I switched in my session on Monday. She told me today that she’d thought I was dissociating, so her being able to pick up on it herself is a really good sign. She really needs the whole picture, though.

I’m also afraid that if I tell her she would think I’m a liar because I didn’t tell her earlier. And I’m afraid she would dump me for being too messed up it took me months and months to find a good therapist, and I really like her–so I (and others) would be really hurt if she dumped us.

I know I need to tell her. I just don’t know how to make myself do it.


7 Responses to “Mea Maxima Culpa”

  1. Ellen Says:

    I think she’ll accept it. And a month is a very short time to be seeing a therapist – it makes perfect sense that you don’t spill all your secrets right away. I think it’s good to build trust gradually.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I guess I feel like diagnosis is one of those things you should tell a therapist right away. It would be like seeing your GP five times before mentioning you’re diabetic.

  2. I didn’t tell mine for quite a few months…kinda needed to build that trust up first. Sorry i don’t have any advice but really hope it works out for you

  3. Bourbon Says:

    She will know that admitting the DID is a huge thing. She will understand that considering you have been burnt before you are going to be hesitant in doing it again. But it sounds like she is very in tune with dissociation so I’m sure that when you give her the full picture she will take it in her stride. Is this something you want to tell her in person; or something that you can let her know of another way to make it easier for you?

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Honestly I don’t think I’d have the nerve to tell her in person. I wish I could do it via email–but she hasn’t given it to me, and I’m afraid to cross boundaries by asking. I guess I could write it down, but I don’t think I could make myself give it to her. And it’s not really the kind of thing you leave on someone’s voicemail.

  4. Grainne Says:

    What if you tell her how worried you are prior to actually delivering the news? For me, people have no trouble believing the PTSD diagnosis because of the trauma I’ve known but the attachment disorder they tend to fluff over and ignore. It’s awful….awful…to feel like you have to defend your own illness. That said, there are no rules that say you have to spill everything at once. Tell her you wanted to work on other things first…were working up to the DID. *hugs* I hope it works out well.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      It’s kind of my plan to work up to it, I guess. I think she may already suspect. And really, I have no reason to suspect she wouldn’t believed me. She hasn’t questioned the validity of anything else I’ve told her.

      But right now I’m just trying to keep my head above water with the depression. We really haven’t gotten into the details of my trauma. And for now I think that’s mostly okay. Except for the lost time.

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