I don’t know what’s going on with me lately.
Sometimes I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m happy, I’m an adult, I’m competent, I’m hopeful, I’m excited about my life and future.
And then a few hours later I feel like a scared, lonely little kid. I feel like I’m all alone and need someone to hold me and comfort me and make everything better. I feel worthless and hopeless and sad, like there’s no point in getting out of bed because I have no future.
Right now, it’s the latter. I don’t know why. Everything seems pointless and empty. I want to cut because I know it would turn it all off. But earlier today I was fine. I was doing campaign work at the farmers market, talking to people I like and doing work I believe in. I ran into a Windhorse friend and my old knitting teacher from Riggs. I felt good. And now, for no apparent reason, I feel like crap.
I tried to talk about this on Wednesday with NT1.0, but she didn’t seem to get it–I think she thought I was talking about normal mood fluctuations. Probably my fault, not communicating well. See, I tend to be okay around people and fall apart alone. So I seem fine to them, happy. And in that moment I am, or at least I’m a good enough liar to convince myself I’m happy.
But if I were really happy, would I fall apart when I’m alone? I don’t think it’s a case of aloneness triggering the bad feelings, seeing as how I’m strongly introverted and need alone time for the sake of my sanity. It feels to me more like I’m wearing a very convincing mask around people, so good I fool even myself, but when I’m alone I can’t keep up the act.
But the essential question of why remains. Why am I suddenly getting depressed again? Why now? What happened to trigger it? I need to understand–how else can I make it better?