The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Mask August 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:58 am
Tags: , ,

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately.

Sometimes I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m happy, I’m an adult, I’m competent, I’m hopeful, I’m excited about my life and future.

And then a few hours later I feel like a scared, lonely little kid. I feel like I’m all alone and need someone to hold me and comfort me and make everything better. I feel worthless and hopeless and sad, like there’s no point in getting out of bed because I have no future.

Right now, it’s the latter. I don’t know why. Everything seems pointless and empty. I want to cut because I know it would turn it all off. But earlier today I was fine. I was doing campaign work at the farmers market, talking to people I like and doing work I believe in. I ran into a Windhorse friend and my old knitting teacher from Riggs. I felt good. And now, for no apparent reason, I feel like crap.

I tried to talk about this on Wednesday with NT1.0, but she didn’t seem to get it–I think she thought I was talking about normal mood fluctuations. Probably my fault, not communicating well. See, I tend to be okay around people and fall apart alone. So I seem fine to them, happy. And in that moment I am, or at least I’m a good enough liar to convince myself I’m happy.

But if I were really happy, would I fall apart when I’m alone? I don’t think it’s a case of aloneness triggering the bad feelings, seeing as how I’m strongly introverted and need alone time for the sake of my sanity. It feels to me more like I’m wearing a very convincing mask around people, so good I fool even myself, but when I’m alone I can’t keep up the act.

But the essential question of why remains. Why am I suddenly getting depressed again? Why now? What happened to trigger it? I need to understand–how else can I make it better?

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5 Responses to “Mask”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    Sara, I’m so sorry you’re battling such strong inner stuff right now.

    ” See, I tend to be okay around people and fall apart alone. So I seem fine to them, happy. And in that moment I am, or at least I’m a good enough liar to convince myself I’m happy.

    But if I were really happy, would I fall apart when I’m alone? I don’t think it’s a case of aloneness triggering the bad feelings, seeing as how I’m strongly introverted and need alone time for the sake of my sanity. It feels to me more like I’m wearing a very convincing mask around people, so good I fool even myself, but when I’m alone I can’t keep up the act.”

    Honestly, this feels like you’ve described my life. I’m so very good at putting up appearances, seeming “okay” to the world, and even feeling okay in that moment. But as soon as I’m alone, the chaos and craziness kicks in.

    I don’t know why you are experiencing this now. I wish I could answer that for you. Just a thought – perhaps it might be worth asking inside? Perhaps maybe your insiders might be trying to tell you something thorough these feelings?

    When I’m really struggling, and things seem to be pushing up at me, my T has suggested trying to write with my non-dominant hand and just see what comes. Perhaps ask yourself what all this stuff is, if there’s something your inside world / body is trying to tell you. And then perhaps just write. Of course, I haven’t actually tried this myself yet (maybe I’m too afraid of what will come up?) so sorry I can’t share my own experiences w you about this technique.

    Hoping this passes soon. Thinking of you. xx

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I have very little communication with the rest of my system, so asking inside has rarely gotten me anywhere. We used to have to do the non-dominant hand thing in creative writing classes. I was apparently ambidextrous as a kid (early signs of DID, maybe?), but as a teen/adult I could never do anything with my left hand. A teacher speculated it was because I was too “edited” to let go of control. Pretty much me exactly.

  2. Bourbon Says:

    I’m sorry your T didnt seem to get it. I agree it is much more than normal mood fluctuations. I know for me I feel those mood changes most significantly when I go from a blended state with our functioning alter to a non blended state where I feel “me” most keenly and “me” just isn’t a happy soul. Whatever is going on for you I hope you feel better soon. I know how desperate a pull the depression is. Take care. Jen x

    • weordmyndum Says:

      As far as I know, we don’t get blendy. It still felt like me, you know? Me, but not as an adult. I don’t really know what that means.

      • Bourbon Says:

        Well, there’s also a phenomena known in the DID world: passive influence. Perhaps it WAS you but someone from inside was also influencing you… the way that you feel, the things that you did etc. I guess its what happens when the dissociative walls start breaking down a little. Could be a good thing? But I guess not everything may have an answer to it. How are you feeling today? x


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