The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Depression. Again. August 8, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 1:42 pm
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are you healed or do you only think you’re healed?
–Louise Gluck, “Mutable Earth”

I guess I only thought I was healed. I thought the depression was really gone for good. I thought the Deplin cured me.

I was wrong.

The depression has been sneaking back in for weeks now. I didn’t want it to be true, so I pretended it wasn’t there. I even tricked myself into believing it. Everyone else around me believed it too. I wasn’t lying intentionally, but I still lied.

I’ve been feeling more off the last few days, but it wasn’t until last night that I thought to call it depression. Ex and I went to an outdoor Boston Pops concert and fireworks, and on the drive back I got to talking about stuff. I told him despite all the stuff I’m doing , everything feels empty and meaningless. He said, “Yeah, that’s called depression.”

My first reaction was, “No, I’m not depressed. I don’t want to die. Hell, I actually want to live.” I guess that’s my personal threshold for depression because that’s where I spent most of my life. I know on an intellectual level that there are many people who are depressed but not suicidal, but within myself anything short of suicidality doesn’t register.

I’ve been desperately looking for some other answer. It’s not hormonal; I’m a week into my cycle. I don’t think it’s a PTSD. Thing because those symptoms aren’t heightened any more than usual. But if it’s depression, that means the Deplin has quit working, and then what happens? I go back to being nonfuctional, self-destructive, and suicidal all the time? That feels intolerable after six months of actually being HAPPY. I’m not sure I could go back–I’d be afraid I’d kill myself, not out of the irresistible drive that used to fuel my attempts, but out of a calm, calculated decision that I don’t want to live that way again. And an attempt from that frame of mind would probably be successful.

It terrifies me because I do still want my life, but if my depression is gonna come back and keep me from having it, then I don’t wanna be kept alive like that.


5 Responses to “Depression. Again.”

  1. Grainne Says:

    God I so know where you are right now. *hugs* I want to say something stupid like “keep fighting” but I already know you will … and how little that advice might help. xx

  2. patricemj Says:

    I think experiencing a non-depressed way of living after having been depressed for so long, is truly a good thing. You’ve had 6 great months…that’s a good thing! However, with depression, even with the meds, there are relapses. That’s the norm. And it really does suck. I’ve found that the anxiety and terror that comes in with experiencing that old lovely shut down feeling can make things worse. Over the years, many years, I’ve noticed how the depressed feeling actually does depart and each time it does my faith has been renewed. You need to see it departing, again and again and again, to remember that it just moves in and then moves out…at least that’s how it is for me. But it stills terrifies me. For me though, something usually triggers it…like I go to a family gettogether and get picked on by people younger and dumber than myself and I take it…of someone I trust lies to me…or I start thinking how long the journey is and feeling sorry for myself that life has been such a struggle.

    i just had this image of myself as a hitchhiker out on the open road, and me standing there waiting. I think being ready to be taken away from the depressed place is half the battle…being willing to hop in with each new and strange possibility that slows down to offer us a ride. That’s what I’ve found.

    Best to you,

  3. Bourbon Says:

    Very close to home. Thinking of you x

  4. Siobhan Says:

    Oh dear, I know exactly where you’re at 😦 Depression for me was always thinking of dying, planning to die, wondering how to die. I felt better for a while, and have just gone back on the medication again. Its so disappointing 😦

  5. brandic32 Says:

    I know how hard depression can be. Thinking of you. xx

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