The Life You Save May Be Your Own

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Pain July 31, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:24 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Somehow I’d managed to forget how much painful stuff therapy can stir up.

I didn’t even talk in great detail about trauma stuff. Nancy asked me about my “process of coming out as an incest victim,” and that involved a lot of talking about my mother and how she made it all about her. But then we ended up talking about the state hospital in Iowa. I told her about getting beat up, but I didn’t mention the sexual assaults. I was afraid she wouldn’t believe me, not that she’s given me any reason to worry about that. But it was very present in my mind as something I wanted and didn’t want to say.

I thought I was okay. I was aware, on some level, that I wasn’t feeling anything, but I thought that meant I’d dealt with this stuff enough that I was okay with it. Clearly that’s bullshit–some things you can never be okay with. I guess I just want so badly to be okay, for the L-methylfolate to have fixed the trauma stuff too, that I’ve just been repressing it.

I was feeling off the rest of the day but ignored it. But then at kung fu, when we did our meditation, all I could hear was hysterical crying in my head. So clearly not okay. And I have no idea what to do. I don’t know how to cope because normal coping skills seem laughable to me. I don’t want to self-destruct, which should be a good thing, but it leaves me with no way to deal with the pain.

I fucking hate this.

It doesn’t help that I’m also in physical pain. My back hurts, but I’ve been trying to lay off the NSAIDs because my toilet and I have become way too close and I have a rash across my torso. I have an appointment with the physiatrist’s NP later this week, so they’ll probably schedule another cortisone injection. But in the meantime, what do I do? I won’t take narcotic painkillers because I get loopy and dissociative, but my body is apparently very unhappy with the NSAIDs. Ugh.


6 Responses to “Pain”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    I am so sorry things are so painful right now. I know how painful therapy stuff can be, and also the feeling of not knowing how to deal with stuff that’s going on inside.

    “I don’t know how to cope because normal coping skills seem laughable to me.” I also feel the same way about coping skills. When I had my year of hospitalizations years back, the in-house therapists would always remind me to “use my coping skills.” I always wanted to punch them in the face, because however hard I tried going through the motions and do the external things that were supposed to help, they never did.

    THinking of you, and hoping things get a little easier.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      “Use your coping skills” makes me want to punch people too. They act like you never would’ve thought up on your own to read a book or call a friend or go for a walk. Assholes, I’ve tried that crap a million times already, and it doesn’t do jack. Do you think I would’ve started cutting or purging if any of that stuff actually worked?


  2. Ellen Says:

    Ouch – physical pain combined with the pain of therapy is a really tough combo. I also find therapy stirs up almost unbearable feelings from the past. I don’t really get it when people report feeling better after a therapy session. It’s happened to me once or twice, but that’s it.

    I’ve found with the emotional pain, if I take the time to let it process through, it does pass, it doesn’t last forever, though it seems as if it will. As to the physical, I don’t have that. Have you ever tried acupuncture though? Relatives of mine have found it helpful for back pain, and there are no side effects.

    Healing wishes

    • weordmyndum Says:

      There are times I do feel better after therapy, but yesterday wasn’t one of them.

      I’d like to try acupuncture, but I’ve yet to find somewhere affordable. I’m on disability and can’t afford much, and insurance certainly won’t cover it.

      • brandic32 Says:

        Acupuncture has helped me tremendously, especially with my chronic back/hip pain as well as my anxiety. Ironically, I haven’t done it in months, even though I have an awesome low-cost acupuncture clinic near my house. Can you say self-sabotaging? Hope you can find something affordable soon.

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