Somehow I’d managed to forget how much painful stuff therapy can stir up.
I didn’t even talk in great detail about trauma stuff. Nancy asked me about my “process of coming out as an incest victim,” and that involved a lot of talking about my mother and how she made it all about her. But then we ended up talking about the state hospital in Iowa. I told her about getting beat up, but I didn’t mention the sexual assaults. I was afraid she wouldn’t believe me, not that she’s given me any reason to worry about that. But it was very present in my mind as something I wanted and didn’t want to say.
I thought I was okay. I was aware, on some level, that I wasn’t feeling anything, but I thought that meant I’d dealt with this stuff enough that I was okay with it. Clearly that’s bullshit–some things you can never be okay with. I guess I just want so badly to be okay, for the L-methylfolate to have fixed the trauma stuff too, that I’ve just been repressing it.
I was feeling off the rest of the day but ignored it. But then at kung fu, when we did our meditation, all I could hear was hysterical crying in my head. So clearly not okay. And I have no idea what to do. I don’t know how to cope because normal coping skills seem laughable to me. I don’t want to self-destruct, which should be a good thing, but it leaves me with no way to deal with the pain.
I fucking hate this.
It doesn’t help that I’m also in physical pain. My back hurts, but I’ve been trying to lay off the NSAIDs because my toilet and I have become way too close and I have a rash across my torso. I have an appointment with the physiatrist’s NP later this week, so they’ll probably schedule another cortisone injection. But in the meantime, what do I do? I won’t take narcotic painkillers because I get loopy and dissociative, but my body is apparently very unhappy with the NSAIDs. Ugh.