The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Violence July 22, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 1:51 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I want to explain a little more about how I’m feeling and why I’m reacting the way I am.

 

Tuesday morning, I turned on NPR as I usually do.  There was a story about a shooting in a bar in Northport, Alabama, near Tuscaloosa.  Seventeen people were injured, including an off-duty cop.  My sister is a cop in Northport, Alabama.  I tried calling her, but we haven’t talked in probably a year, and the number I had for her was no longer right.  I called my mother–no answer.  Finally I called my youngest sister, who told me Middle Sister was fine and gave me her new number.

 

When I was 9, my father told me to choose whether he would hurt me or her.  He did this pretty frequently, and I’d always told him to hurt me.  But this time…he’d raped me the night before, and it hurt so bad, still.  I didn’t want to choose my sister, so I froze.  He pulled the gun out of his desk drawer and told me to choose.  I couldn’t speak.  He pressed the muzzle against my forehead and took the safety off.

 

I chose my sister.

 

I’ve never been able to forgive myself for that.  I know I was just a kid, I know it was an impossible choice, I know I just wanted the pain to stop.  But I still can’t forgive myself.  That’s why I’ve made myself be okay with my sister being a cop like our father.  That’s why I’ve made myself be okay that she took money from him and then recanted her accusations of abuse.  I tell myself that if that’s what she needs to do to be okay, I owe it to her to be okay with it.  And I think I am okay with it, at least most of the time.

 

And when I heard a cop had been shot, I was terrified it was her.  I thought I’d failed to protect my sister again.  I thought she’d been hurt or killed and it was my fault.

 

And then they’re saying the shooter was crazy.  Then there’s the Colorado shooting, and they’re saying that guy was crazy.  My father said I was crazy and had me locked up in a mental hospital where I was abused again.  I don’t know why all these things are connected–I know it doesn’t make sense to anyone outside my head.  My sister.  My father.  Guns.  Mental hospitals.  Terror.  Pain.  Dying.

 

I can’t stop crying, but I can’t ask anyone in real life for help.  I’m afraid they’ll hate me as much as I hate myself.

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5 Responses to “Violence”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    Aw Sara, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I just want you to know that I’m here, I’m thinking of you, I’m reading, and you can reach out to me for support if needed. Safe hugs and comfort during this difficult time. Xx

  2. Bourbon Says:

    I can’t imagine anyone hating you. You are carrying around so much responsibility and little wonder as you were made to be responsible for what happened to your sister at that time. You find it hard to understand that you are not responsible now for your sisters life or death. Same as I’m not responsible for my parents’ life or death. I’m glad your sister is okay though. And please try to reach out to me if you need to. Even if we just share YouTube videos again (as long as they’re not sloth-like). Thinking of you xx

  3. kittyhere Says:

    It makes total sense to me from what you have written that current events would trigger the memories and feelings you are experiencing. You are not at fault, then or now, for the horrible things you endured when you were so young. Please do not hate yourself for past events that were nothing you should have had to face.

  4. ligeandcrew Says:

    “I’m afraid they’ll hate me as much as I hate myself.”
    Quinn here –

    This really breaks my heart, you know ?
    It’s not true.

  5. 😦 I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. I understand how you can make the connections between all of those things. And no, you don’t deserve to be hated. *hugs*


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