The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Bad July 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:04 am
Tags: , , ,

I feel like a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad person today.

 

I feel like I’m a bad puppy parent.  Why?  Because Winston had a few accidents in the house.  Because he chews on everything and bites me, hard.  These are totally normal, if undesirable, puppy behaviors.  I know this, but I still feel like a terrible person.

 

And I feel like I’m a bad therapy client.  I feel like I failed because I couldn’t make it work with NT2.0, and I’m irrationally convinced that I’m going to ruin things with NT1.0 and make her hate me.

 

I even felt like I was bad at kung fu tonight, for no reason at all.  Hell, I nailed some flying side kicks, but I still feel like a gigantic fucking failure.

 

I suspect this is all from going off my meds suddenly.  Yes, they were prescribed for sleep–but two of them were antidepressants.  It may be that I need an AD to augment the L-methylfolate, or it could be that I’m just adjusting to going off the AD’s so quickly.  It’s definitely worse at night, and I’m not sure why.  I take the L-methylfolate in the morning and had been taking the AD’s at night, so it could be that the L-methylfolate is out of my system by nighttime–its half-life is only 3 hours.  I should talk to Nurse about that tomorrow.

 

I’m trying to hang onto the knowledge that I’m not a terrible person and this is just my brain chemistry going wonky, but it’s really hard and isn’t helping much right now.  I hate asking for help, especially right now (just more “proof” that I’m a bad person), but I could really use some reassurance and support.

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3 Responses to “Bad”

  1. You seem to be a lovely person. I know how hard it can be having those thoughts because of brain chemistry . . . you know it’s because of the way new meds, or med subtractions, are interacting with your brain. Still doesn’t make it feel any better. *hugs* I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  2. brandic32 Says:

    Ditto to what Angel said. You are not a bad person, in fact you are wonderful person from what I can tell. I completely relate to what you’re saying about the “bad dog parent” part. When I had a puppy once, it was actually extremely triggering for me, because every little tiny thing that they puppy did that was “bad”, I would load heaps of blame and guilt upon myself. I can also understand that you recognize intellectually that you are not bad, but somehow this doesn’t change the way you’re feeling. For that I’m not sure I can help much, other than offer hugs. xxhugsxx

  3. Bourbon Says:

    For what it’s worth when I tried to come off my anti depressants I was hit with the worst wave of self hatred and depression ever. I am now so weary of coming off them again — always telling myself now isn’t a good time. So I do think this will calm down. But until it does, we will be happy to be your anchor into some rationality. Your perception will be skewed right now but if you can see that as what it is that’ll help. You feel bad for these things but that doesn’t mean you are bad. You are not a bad parent to Winston and I’m sure his wagging tail and intense wish to play with you all the time is because he is telling you he loves you and hey thanks for giving me this great life! Hold onto his love right now. And hold onto mine — we care about you loads and will sit quietly next to you during this difficult time if you think it’ll help. Thinking of you and holding you in my thoughts today xx


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