I just swallowed a cherry pit. No big deal, right? I’ve long since outgrown the belief that a tree would grow in my stomach.
My first reaction was, “Oh, I’ll just purge. That’ll get it back up easy.”
That was immediately followed by a very emphatic “What the FUCK?”
See, aside from a few lapses right after coming to Windhorse, I haven’t purged in more than a year–maybe two years. I overeat and feel a little out-of-control around food sometimes, but I don’t binge the way I used to. It’s weird–the ED urges have been closer to the surface later. Today I had to talk myself out of buying a scale while I was at CVS. This is also not the first time that the temptation to purge has sprung up.
It also disconcerts me because I don’t know where the urge is coming from. I’m happy; my life is good and getting better. Before, the temptation to purge has almost always been a responde to feelings I didn’t like. The only idea I can come up with is that I’m so unaccustomed to a normal, happy life that it’s overwhelming. But that sounds…hokey. And too easy, you know? My experience of myself is that easy answers are never the full story. The universe is unfathomably complex, and so am I.
I just wish I could decipher myself.