The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Urges July 6, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 5:56 am
Tags: ,

I just swallowed a cherry pit.  No big deal, right?  I’ve long since outgrown the belief that a tree would grow in my stomach.


My first reaction was, “Oh, I’ll just purge.  That’ll get it back up easy.”


That was immediately followed by a very emphatic “What the FUCK?”


See, aside from a few lapses right after coming to Windhorse, I haven’t purged in more than a year–maybe two years.  I overeat and feel a little out-of-control around food sometimes, but I don’t binge the way I used to.  It’s weird–the ED urges have been closer to the surface later.  Today I had to talk myself out of buying a scale while I was at CVS.  This is also not the first time that the temptation to purge has sprung up.


It also disconcerts me because I don’t know where the urge is coming from.  I’m happy; my life is good and getting better.  Before, the temptation to purge has almost always been a responde to feelings I didn’t like.  The only idea I can come up with is that I’m so unaccustomed to a normal, happy life that it’s overwhelming.  But that sounds…hokey.  And too easy, you know?  My experience of myself is that easy answers are never the full story.  The universe is unfathomably complex, and so am I.


I just wish I could decipher myself.


4 Responses to “Urges”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    I know how you feel, about the complexity piece. As I’ve told my T, I feel like I’m an ice skater skating on top of the (frozen over) lake of my mind, and that I have no idea about anything that’s going on underneath the surface.

    Hope you can get it figured out.

  2. Bourbon Says:

    I know when I get a lapse of ED thoughts it is because some way in my life I feel out of control. Anything big or small. You have been speaking about chronic loneliness lately so maybe the ED is an old friend that used to make you feel less alone? Just thoughts. Takes strength to resist though as you know so to not purge and not buy those scales is no mean feat. Go you.

  3. twirlinggirl Says:

    I think, at least for me, that ED thoughts have become so second nature because of all the time I’ve spent with them, it’s like I’ve retrained the neural pathways in my brain and they just pop right back in. My recovery process has been repairing those pathways, choosing a different thought, making a new choice. It is SO weird to bounce back into those thoughts, though, especially when you’re doing well.

  4. “My experience of myself is that easy answers are never the full story. The universe is unfathomably complex, and so am I.”

    love this.

    Well done fighting the urges. I’m sure what would be even better for you is not to have them to begin with, so I hope that you can find out what may be triggering you at the moment. Stay strong! xo

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