I’m so lonely it hurts.
But I don’t know what I need/want from anyone, so I’m not going to bother them. No use making a nuisance of yourself if you don’t even know what you want from somebody. And even if you knew, it would never be enough. It’s never enough for you. No matter how much people give, it’s never enough.
God, these voices. I want to go back and delete most of that last paragraph, but it’s more honest and real if I leave it there.
I know I’m being cruel to myself. Or is it really me? Can you call it being cruel to yourself when the voice isn’t really you? Okay, yes, I know it’s a part of me, but it doesn’t feel like it; that’s not how I perceive it. I perceive it as someone else’s voice that just happens to be echoing around in my head, and I want it to shut the hell up.
I should not be this messed up right now. There’s no reason–everything is going well. But I feel completely alone right now.
I went to a party earlier tonight, hosted by another Windhorse client. I felt alien. They’re talking about meditation and water skiing and pie, and I have nothing to say. I don’t belong here, I’m not like them, I’m not real. I should just go.
Again with the voices. Revolving-door dissociation: I hate it.
I did leave early, but I stayed longer than I wanted to for fear of looking rude and drawing even more attention to how much I didn’t belong. It was like my old life, where I wanted so desperately to fit in and be liked that I said all the wrong things and made myself look like a freak. I was that kid again with the huge glasses and the ugly boyish haircut and the Salvation Army clothes that were never in style.
I don’t belong anywhere.
No, Sara, that isn’t true now. It was true, but that was a long time ago. Think of kung fu–you fit in there. You make conversation and don’t say things you spend the next week beating yourself up about. You’re good, and you work hard. Even Majikan said good things about you. You fit there. That may seem like it’s not a lot, but it’s not nothing, either.
I just wish I had a place where I could be ALL of me–I could be strong martial arts girl and crazy DID trauma girl and weird sci-fi geek girl and strong opinions about everything girl and obsessive knitter girl and all the rest.