The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Place July 5, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 4:06 am
Tags: , , , ,

I’m so lonely it hurts.

 

But I don’t know what I need/want from anyone, so I’m not going to bother them.  No use making a nuisance of yourself if you don’t even know what you want from somebody.  And even if you knew, it would never be enough.  It’s never enough for you.  No matter how much people give, it’s never enough.

 

God, these voices.  I want to go back and delete most of that last paragraph, but it’s more honest and real if I leave it there.

 

I know I’m being cruel to myself.  Or is it really me?  Can you call it being cruel to yourself when the voice isn’t really you?  Okay, yes, I know it’s a part of me, but it doesn’t feel like it; that’s not how I perceive it.  I perceive it as someone else’s voice that just happens to be echoing around in my head, and I want it to shut the hell up.

 

I should not be this messed up right now.  There’s no reason–everything is going well.  But I feel completely alone right now.

 

I went to a party earlier tonight, hosted by another Windhorse client.  I felt alien.  They’re talking about meditation and water skiing and pie, and I have nothing to say.  I don’t belong here, I’m not like them, I’m not real.  I should just go.

 

Again with the voices.  Revolving-door dissociation: I hate it.

 

I did leave early, but I stayed longer than I wanted to for fear of looking rude and drawing even more attention to how much I didn’t belong.  It was like my old life, where I wanted so desperately to fit in and be liked that I said all the wrong things and made myself look like a freak.  I was that kid again with the huge glasses and the ugly boyish haircut and the Salvation Army clothes that were never in style.

 

I don’t belong anywhere.

 

No, Sara, that isn’t true now.  It was true, but that was a long time ago.  Think of kung fu–you fit in there.  You make conversation and don’t say things you spend the next week beating yourself up about.  You’re good, and you work hard.  Even Majikan said good things about you.  You fit there.  That may seem like it’s not a lot, but it’s not nothing, either.

 

I just wish I had a place where I could be ALL of me–I could be strong martial arts girl and crazy DID trauma girl and weird sci-fi geek girl and strong opinions about everything girl and obsessive knitter girl and all the rest.

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7 Responses to “Place”

  1. I understand how that feels. I don’t feel like there’s anywhere I can be all of me, either. Also, I’ve been going to this book club to try to get out more, but I have nothing to say because they talk about things that I have nothing to say about, like pets, etc.

  2. Bourbon Says:

    This post is a very ‘real’ post to read – kudos to you for keeping it up there. Those voices you say that taunt you and don’t feel like you – I have them echoing in my head on a daily basis. It’s hard to think straight when they are hovering around. I can feel the hurt vibrating through this post and I’m sorry. Here for/with you in anyway I can.

  3. Raynifly Says:

    I feel for you. It’s good you have this blog to pour out your feelings. I wish you well. Cheers.

  4. I know exactly how you feel!!!!!!!!!! That used to be me, you hit it dead on, nice job too. It is an issue of self confidence. I’m an artist, didn’t know any other artists so always felt like a fish out of water. N mom, N mates my whole life who put me down. Started meditating, accepting my uniqueness as well as everyone else’ s. All of a sudden I just started to blossom in my 50’s! Now I walk into a room “expecting” people to like me and me to like them, to want to find out what makes them tick. Enjoying humanity and accepting yourself for who you are, embrace your differences for God would not want you any other way and God loves you and accepts you unconditionally, who needs more than that? Good luck, I know it is painful right now, but it is a journey. Get some Kelly Howell meditation CD’s, put them on an iPod and listen to them every day, you will get better.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I don’t believe in a magical god who fixes everything. I believe we have to do that for ourselves.

      And believe me, if fixing myself was as easy as listening to some meditation CD’s, I would’ve done it a long time ago. It’s not a magical handwavey process where thinking happy thoughts fixes everything. I spent most of my life being abused by most of the people in my life, and that’s never going to go away. I can get my life back, but it’s not easy, quick, or simple.

      Honestly, I get really frustrated when people try to oversimplify healing. Maybe it works like that for you, but not for me.

  5. Aww, me too. I don’t wish I could be normal and fit in, I just want to be all the good bits of me.
    I wish I was better at writing the things you are so good at expressing!

  6. ligeandcrew Says:

    Jesus, you too ? That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling, complete with head voices.
    so sorry to hear it’s happening to you too. wish it wasn’t. hope it gets better soon. – Quinn


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