SHERIDAN: I never thought there could be anything worse than being all alone in the night.
DELENN: But there is. Being all alone in a crowd.
Tonight I’m feeling very alone.
I think it’s the trauma stuff in general and the DID stuff in particular. There have been several triggering events in the last week or so, and I don’t have anyone to process it with. I write about it, and that helps some…but I want someone to be able to be physically and emotionally present with me while I process it, I want someone to give me permission to feel what I feel and be as messy as I need to be, I want to sit in a room with someone who I know is holding in mind how painful and scary it is but at the same time holding in mind a resolute belief that this will get better and I will have a real life.
That’s what I need right now, and I don’t have it.
And also we’re tired of hiding the DID. Our treatment team knows that that was the diagnosis, but they don’t really engage with it. The switches have gotten fairly obvious, but they don’t notice or don’t comment. It leaves me-Sara feeling like they think I’m faking it all. That’s what they thought at Menninger. They didn’t say it so blatantly–I think the exact words when I confronted my psychiatrist about it were “We haven’t seen any evidence of DID.” I’m always afraid people think I’m faking it for attention because a lot of the time I’m convinced I’m faking it for attention. Then again, if I wanted attention, wouldn’t I be, you know, drawing attention to it? We don’t bring it up in conversation and most people pretend to be me. We’re not going to force people to see what (who) they don’t want to see.
We need someone to see us and acknowledge us and make us feel like it’s okay to exist– all of us, not just me.
We need to feel like we’re not all alone.