The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Wanted June 16, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:04 am
Tags: ,

This morning, I had coffee with Janet.  She was my third nursing care coordinator at Riggs in as many months.  (I went through four total.)  My first NCC got switched to a different team, and my second NCC got a job somewhere else.  When I found out NCC #2 was leaving, I was pissed and told everyone who’d listen that I didn’t need or want another NCC.  Janet was on my team, but she didn’t have any patients as NCC because she mainly worked in the medical office and only worked in the Inn (patient residence) when they were short on nurses.  But she and I interacted a lot because she was the med office nurse, and I had to get weighed every week.  (“Interacted” is a nice term for it.  I swore at her a lot and did a fair bit of crying.)


I was in the med office one morning getting weighed, and Janet asked me to sit down.  I thought I was in trouble about my weight dropping, but instead she said she “really liked” me and asked if she could be my NCC.  In the moment, I was relieved not to be getting chewed out about my weight, but later I was really surprised.  I was shocked that she liked me and voluntarily wanted to deal with me–in the program I was in, you met with your NCC every day.  (Or another nurse on the team on your NCC’s days off.)  I hadn’t exactly been very nice to her, and she knew I was screwed up and devotedly self-destructive.  I had no idea what she was talking about when she said she liked me.  But it worked.  She became the one person at Riggs I was sure was always on my side.  When she left Riggs for another job, I was devastated–she’d become a sort of maternal figure to me.


Several months after I’d left Riggs, she sent me a Facebook message.  Riggs was really big on boundaries, but she said since neither one of us was there anymore, she didn’t see it as an ethical issue.  We kept in touch sporadically, but I was living in Boston, the other end of the state.  We talked several times while I was at Menninger, and she was thrilled when I told her I was going to Windhorse–she worked there before Riggs.  Once I was back in western Mass, we got together, back around Thanksgiving.  Then I didn’t hear from her for months–not that I was exactly good at keeping in touch.  I finally worked up the nerve to e-mail her last weekend, and she was really happy to hear from me.


It still puzzles me.  I cannot understand why she or anyone else would choose to be around me.  The thought pops up a lot, but I rarely talk about it because I feel like it comes across as a manipulative ploy to get people to reassure me that they like me.  That’s not what I want.  What I want is to be able to see myself as they do.  I mean, god, Janet saw me at my absolute worst.  She knows about the things in my past I’m most ashamed of.  I really don’t understand why she would choose to be around me still.  Most of the time, I don’t have to think about it because most of the people I interact with are paid to deal with me.  They say they like me, and I believe them for the most part–but the fact remains that they get paid to deal with me.  But then there are people like Janet who don’t get paid, and they’re still there.  I like it, but I don’t get it.


8 Responses to “Wanted”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    Perhaps she say something deeper in you, something that was looking for connection. Perhaps she saw more to you than just what you presented on the surface.

    After several years of thinking my partner was going to wake up one day and see me for who I really was (tainted, messed-up, disturbed, etc etc), and she was still there, I finally let go of the fear that she would leave and just accepted that she liked me and wanted to be with me for who-knows-what-reason. But it’s nice to have people like that in our life, isn’t it? We don’t necessarily need to understand, but it feels good. And perhaps, I don’t know, we deserve it?

    • weordmyndum Says:

      It does feel good, but I get anxious about things I can’t understand. I like logic and answers–but I’m a primarily emotional person, so the answers have to feel right for me. And I think that’s what’s missing for me in this situation.

      I definitely was looking for connections when I met Janet. That much makes sense to me, just like it makes sense to me that she’d be really kind and caring while I was her patient. When she left Riggs, she told me she’d keep in touch, but I didn’t really believe it, so I was shocked when she did. I don’t understand this sticking around.

  2. Bourbon Says:

    Agreed with commenter above.
    Perhaps she saw something in you amidst all your self destructive behaviour- something that she could relate to.
    I find it hard to understand why my old mentor still comes to see me after all she’s had to deal with with me but she does and yes it’s incredibly heart warming. She used to get paid but now she does it out of choice and so the introject in my head doesn’t have much to say for once. Her line used to be “she only cares cause its her job”. Well, that isn’t the case now and she still cares!
    I’m glad you can appreciate it even if you can’t understand it. I can understand it. I can see why people would pull out all the stops for you.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      She must’ve seen something; I just don’t know what. People like me, and I never understand why. I mean, my friends in high school, I think we bonded over our mutual dysfunction, which is not to say they weren’t amazing people. I think what really throws me is when people outside my peer group who aren’t getting paid still like me. That…I just really don’t get.

      • Bourbon Says:

        What do you like in people? Im willing to bet they see these qualities in you. B

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I like people who are kind and smart and curious. I like people who feel strongly and experience the world uniquely. I like people who are passionate and like to argue points with me. I like people who are kind of weird and not ashamed of it. I like people who will speak their minds and not take crap from people. I like people who add something new to my world.

  3. ligeandcrew Says:

    Isn’t it great when that happens ?

    Dodge often expresses the same thing, and so does Quinn to a lesser extent. (This is Stef, BTW.)

    Just knowing you online, I can tell you something I see in you, that’s absolutely golden. No matter how much of a hard time you’re having or how much you may be hurting, you still care about other people..You reach out to them, do your best to reassure them,and try not to hurt them. Not everybody is like that, you know. (I’m sorry to say.)

    Also, there’s some very positive, life-affirming part of you that’s determined to come out on top of everything your life has thrown at you. That manifests itself in different ways, from a little bit of humor to some plain common sense to a dose of good healthy attitude….and it’s wonderfully contagious. Even when you’re down, you’re just not one of those downer-type people.

    And warm, You ‘re a very warm person. I’m sure you could turn cold if someone made you – but someone would have to make you. That warmth in itself is a very attractive quality, that not everyone has. If you don’t want to take my word for it, read some of the comments on Yahoo news some time. There be some cold mother f*****kers out there.

    Hope that was helpful. ((Hugs from me and Dodge))

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I wasn’t like that then, though–I’m much different than I was back then. I generally wasn’t mean, as such, but I wasn’t nice. Pretty standoffish most of the time, angry and often hostile and prone to outbursts of temper. And positive and life-affirming? Really not, then. I spent most of my time wanting to die and doing a pretty damn good job trying to get there. (There were at least 3 ER trips because of my ED.) I didn’t think I would ever feel better, and I spent a lot of my time resenting everyone who was trying to help. And the people who dealt with me the most (my therapist and Janet) got the worst of all my crap.

      And yet there must have been something there that she saw. Part of me wants to know what, but part of me knows I’d try to undo it if I knew what she saw.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s