I had therapy this morning and left nearly in tears, and I’m not even sure why.
At the beginning of the session NT2.0 wanted me to do some imagery stuff about creating an internal safe place, and I felt a lot of resistance. I told myself it was because it was stupid and hokey, but I think it was more than just that. It felt too intimate–if this is supposed to be my safe place, why should she even get to know it exists, let alone what it’s like? I know the idea was for her to sort of prompt me into including all the senses, but dude, I did an MFA-level program in creative writing; I’m pretty sure I know how to use my imagination.
I don’t know why it felt like such an invasion. I did not, of course, tell her any of this. I’m so inclined to please people that I play the perfect patient unless something way out of line happens. I don’t want to make people get angry at me.
Then we somehow got on the subject of my relationship with Kinda-Sorta-Ex-Boyfriend Guy. I didn’t feel like I particularly wanted to talk about that with her, but it was better than the safe place imagery, so I ran with it. I felt almost like she was talking down to me–not intentionally, but frustratingly. None of what she said was really helpful to me; it was all stuff I knew already. I’m smart and pretty aware of the workings of my mind, and I need a therapist who’s at least as smart as me to help me find the patterns and make connections between my present and my past. I assumed she’d be smart because she has a PhD–and yes, I’m well aware that that’s a crappy bias. She’s not dumb, but she’s just not at the level I need my therapist to be at.
Really, I think the underlying issue is I don’t feel a connection with her, but I’ve been second-guessing myself. Just about a year ago, I did a consult with a DID expert at McLean, and probably the most useful thing I took from that was him saying I had good instincts about people in general and therapists in particular and should trust myself more. I try, but that’s a difficult thing, trusting myself. I also don’t want to admit that it’s not working out with NT2.0 because it was SO hard to find a therapist in the first place. I’m tired of searching, starting over, and finding out it doesn’t work.
Can somebody just magic me up the perfect therapist? Or go kidnap my excellent therapist from Riggs?
I had a shift right after therapy with the counselor on my team. I thought I was doing a good job hiding my distress, but apparently not–he asked me after about 20 minutes if I was okay because I was uncharacteristically quiet. I didn’t think I could talk about it without bursting into tears and hadn’t solidified my thoughts enough to make sense, so I just told him I was preoccupied.
I did mention it to my nurse when I met with her in the afternoon, but only because she asked how it was going with NT2.0. I managed not to burst into tears. That meeting was stressful in and of itself–she and my psychiatrist want me to see an OB-GYN about my horrific PMDD because I’ve hit the limit of my psychiatrist’s expertise on it. I should go, if for no other reason than I’m really afraid one of these months I’m going to make another suicide attempt during Hormonal Hell Week. Nurse says the practice at the local hospital is really good and know how to deal with abuse survivors, but even just thinking about it makes me feel panicky. But surely it’s not as bad as offing myself because my hormones make me psycho, right? Right? (Yeah, I’m not doing very well at convincing myself of that.)
Going to kung fu tonight helped. We did a lot of strikes, which always makes me feel better just from the physical release. It’s also the only time it really feels good to be in my body, and the endorphin high is pretty great. I’m still having to work around my wrist injury, but it’s getting better–I’ve got full range of motion back, just can’t put weight on it yet. I’m eager for it to heal because I’m going to test for my first belt once it’s back to normal.