WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT LOSING WEIGHT?
I eat healthy. I get exercise, cardio and strength. I eat less than people I know who are skinnier than me. Restricting to under 1000 calories plus working out didn’t help. I think my pants are a little bit looser, but the scale says otherwise.
I’m so close to going back to binging and purging. I’m having urges to binge that I can’t understand. I used to think it was just a response to stress, but now I’m not stressed or depressed, but I want to binge/purge more than I have in a long-ass time.
I’m trying to manage it, I really am. Things are wonky, though, especially with kung fu. I have to eat between 5:00 and 5:30 so I don’t puke, and then after class (9:00-ish), I’m shaky and often getting blood pressure crashes. I’m also getting horrifically sleepy between about 3:00 and 6:00 in the afternoon, and I suspect that could be diet related.
I’m trying to accept this body. In theory, I totally agree with the Health at Every Size philosophy, and I could rant at great length about how fucked up our societal approaches to weight and food are. I want to be at peace with my body, but the reality is I’m not.
I’m pretty damn sure I’d lose weight if I started binging and purging again–the times I was really sick, I always lost more weight in my binge/purge phases than in my restricting phases. Maybe I really am stressed out–when I think about it, there’s a bit of me that says, “You’d feel better after purging. Everything would be okay again, and you could breathe. The weight loss would just be a bonus.”
I should talk about this with my nurse. I feel like I shouldn’t, though–it’s not a real problem because I haven’t engaged in any behaviors yet. But god, that’s a rabbit hole I don’t want to go down. I don’t think Medicare would cover a dietitian/nutritionist, but Medicaid might. *sigh* I feel like I don’t deserve help because I’m not sick enough yet. Because I’m fat.