The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Trying to Dodge Rabbit Holes June 5, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 6:31 am
Tags: , ,


I eat healthy.  I get exercise, cardio and strength.  I eat less than people I know who are skinnier than me.  Restricting to under 1000 calories plus working out didn’t help.  I think my pants are a little bit looser, but the scale says otherwise.

I’m so close to going back to binging and purging.  I’m having urges to binge that I can’t understand.  I used to think it was just a response to stress, but now I’m not stressed or depressed, but I want to binge/purge more than I have in a long-ass time.

I’m trying to manage it, I really am.  Things are wonky, though, especially with kung fu.  I have to eat between 5:00 and 5:30 so I don’t puke, and then after class (9:00-ish), I’m shaky and often getting blood pressure crashes.  I’m also getting horrifically sleepy between about 3:00 and 6:00 in the afternoon, and I suspect that could be diet related.

I’m trying to accept this body.  In theory, I totally agree with the Health at Every Size philosophy, and I could rant at great length about how fucked up our societal approaches to weight and food are.  I want to be at peace with my body, but the reality is I’m not.

I’m pretty damn sure I’d lose weight if I started binging and purging again–the times I was really sick, I always lost more weight in my binge/purge phases than in my restricting phases.  Maybe I really am stressed out–when I think about it, there’s a bit of me that says, “You’d feel better after purging.  Everything would be okay again, and you could breathe.  The weight loss would just be a bonus.”

I should talk about this with my nurse.  I feel like I shouldn’t, though–it’s not a real problem because I haven’t engaged in any behaviors yet.  But god, that’s a rabbit hole I don’t want to go down.  I don’t think Medicare would cover a dietitian/nutritionist, but Medicaid might.  *sigh*  I feel like I don’t deserve help because I’m not sick enough yet.  Because I’m fat.


16 Responses to “Trying to Dodge Rabbit Holes”

  1. You’re not fat. Your body has lost its ability to metabolise what you’re eating right now. I went through the same thing.
    It was not until a while after I stop dieting my body was able to go back to normal and really help itself lose the weight

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I am actually significantly overweight–that’s not just the eating disorder talking. I’ve read all the stuff on set point theory, but it’s just not true for me anymore. Used to be my set point was around 120 lbs, but I guess years of eating disorders finally caught up with me and I’ve totally ruined my metabolism. If I don’t restrict, I just keep gaining weight endlessly.

  2. colourtheday Says:

    Sure you could loose weight by doing that… but re-gain it as you stop… Talk to the nurse, check your values etc… maybe your body is playing up on you!

  3. Bourbon Says:

    Perhaps your pants are looser cause you’re losing weight through ‘fat’ but the scale isn’t budging because you are gaining muscle with all the strength training you are doing? When it comes to diets I’m useless but I do know that often people get frustrated their scales aren’t going down but their bodies are simply changing – for the better. B

  4. Sure, you may lose weight b/p’ing but don’t forget how much more you will lose along with it. It’s not worth it…

  5. hollowvessels Says:

    Like Bourbon said. I noticed you do a martial art – at first that causes you to lose weight, but then you gain more back from all the muscle you gain. Muscle weighs more than fat. Your general body ‘shape’ doesn’t change too much over time. Just because the number on the scale isn’t something you associate with being beautiful, thin or healthy – doesn’t mean that’s not true. The reason you might feel shaky after class is because you need a quick boost in energy or blood sugar? I hope I don’t sound like I’m badgering you! I just hate to see people worry about food and weight. I wish you the best in your goals ❤

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Yeah, I’ve been on the ED merry-go-round long enough that I have a pretty good knowledge of nutrition. Sadly, my ED doesn’t care how much I know because logical knowledge and emotional logic are separated by a huge gulf, for me. It’s really frustrating because I do KNOW all this, but I just can’t CONVINCE myself of it. Let me go get my sword; I think I need to go pick fights with some windmills.

      I don’t know if the shakiness is a blood sugar thing or what. I recently had to convert to veganism–not a terrible transition because I’d been vegetarian for 10 or 11 years already, but there are still things I’m trying to work out. I also have a wonky B vitamin thing because my body can’t process folic acid, so that plus recent veganism plus a lot of exercise are all contributing. I don’t think it’s blood sugar because usually when my glucose dips, I get a horrible headache long before I get the shakes, and that hasn’t happened. I’m also pretty sure it’s not a hydration issue, as I’m drinking at least 10 cups of water a day, usually closer to 15 when I work out because there’s no air conditioning at the kung fu school. (Whose dumb idea was THAT, anyway?)

      Hopefully I’ll be able to talk to my nurse about all of this when I see her tomorrow, but I dunno. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to do it for at least 2 months and still haven’t. Guess I’ll see.

      • hollowvessels Says:

        I know what you mean about finding it hard to separate logic from emotion. That’s a constant war inside my head. I wish you luck and I hope you do talk to your nurse about it, I think it would be really wise to, especially if you’ve had such a radical diet change recently.

  6. lifeonaxis1 Says:

    it would be helpful if you post a journal of your daily diet and exercise. please don’t binge and purge! there is a community here who wants to help you.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Oh, dear, I’m not sure I’m up for that–too much shame associated with food, and the fact that soy ice cream has become a major food group is kind of embarrassing. But maybe I’ll try.

  7. One time I told my therapist that I felt like it would be disrespectful to say I self-harm because I’ve only ever done it once every few months. (Well, during the worst of it, it was once a week.) She said that that’s not the biggest problem; the problem is having the urges because the urges indicate something is more deeply amiss. I think that applies to your binging and purging urge, too. Having the urges in and of itself is a valid problem that is worth discussing with your therapist.

    • markps2 Says:

      “Having the urges in and of itself is a valid problem that is worth discussing with your therapist.”
      What will be the result of discussing it with your therapist?
      Urges or ideas are meaningless in my opinion. It is only if you act on the idea or urge that it has any significance. There is no harm in imagining a possible future, that’s called intelligent problem solving.
      If I quit smoking, and had the idea to pick up smoking again, does this warrant medical attention?

      • weordmyndum Says:

        That right there is a logical fallacy we call a false analogy. You’re comparing things that seem, on the surface, very similar, but in reality they are unlike each other.

        First, most people don’t experience significant distress from urges to smoke cigarettes. I’m sure some people do, but most of the ex-smokers I know experience it more as an annoyance or frustration. On the other hand, urges to harm oneself in very concrete ways is, in my experience, terrifying. You feel out of control of yourself and your body.

        And I hope that if someone’s urges to smoke cigarettes were causing them significant distress, they would seek out some kind of support, whether professional or informal.

        Secondly, we have to consider the societal attitudes toward smoking v. self-harm behaviors like cutting and eating disorders. Yes, cigarette cartons are emblazoned with warnings of cancer and emphysema, and there are TV commercials and billboards urging people not to smoke–but it’s still societally acceptable, overall. No one is going to lock me up in a psych hospital if I smoke a cigarette, but they are very likely to if I slash my arms up or starve myself half to death. Smoking and self-harm have vastly different consequences, which is another reason your analogy falls flat.

        I get not liking the practices of modern psychiatry; I rant about it on my blog pretty frequently. But I believe in a middle-of-the-road approach. I hate a lot of modern psychiatric practices, but there are certain elements of that which have been helpful to me and to other consumers. Rejecting workable parts because the whole is broken–well, that’s just another logical fallacy. If we reject all of modern psychiatry, we may very well keep a lot of people from getting benefits from the parts that do work. What I believe in is choice and truly informed consent. I believe that in many cases psychiatric medications cause great harm, but I also know there are cases where it can help. I believe ECT can ruin lives, but I also know it can save them. I believe that therapy can be useless or even harmful, but I also know it can have huge benefits. I believe that consumers of mental health services should be able to choose what helps them, without force or coercion, and I believe that c/s/x folks who categorically reject any and all practices of modern mental health treatment are doing everyone a great disservice.

  8. markps2 Says:

    Self harm such as cutting rarely leads to death. Having the idea, is having the freedom. DO I have freedom? “if someone’s urges to smoke cigarettes were causing them significant distress” the stores here have barriers so you can’t see the smokes, to be tempted to smoke. On the other hand you must take your magically helpful medication , it just drugs.

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