The Life You Save May Be Your Own

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Asexuality: Don’t Be Alarmed June 5, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 5:33 pm
Tags: , , ,

I’ve identified as asexual for as long as I’ve been aware of sexuality, before I even knew there were other people out there who considered themselves asexual.  Toward the end of high school, I ran across the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, and realizing I wasn’t just some weirdo freak was a revelatory experience.


My sexuality has been in the forefront of my mind recently, what with the relationship with Kinda-Sorta-Ex-Boyfriend Guy.  When we started speaking again recently, he told me he thought my asexuality was a result of my abuse.  I tried to let it go, but it’s stuck with me.  That attitude implies that he sees my sexuality as something that’s broken and needs to be fixed.


Then there was this post at Beyond Meds.  (Beware: the writer is very strongly against psych meds pretty much ever, but the post is interesting if you can filter some of that out.)  The part that really bothers me is when she speaks of asexuality as an ALARMING (emphasis hers) epidemic among young people on psych meds.  Gee, yanno, I thought all the grown-ups wanted kids not to have sex or even think about sex, but maybe that’s just because I grew up in the Deep South.  Anyway, much of this post is annoyed/inspired by the fact that I can’t leave a comment on the post at Beyond Meds, so my ranting will go here instead.


Most asexual people, myself included, don’t see asexuality as something wrong with us any more than gay or bisexual people see their sexuality as something wrong with them.  We are not broken.  A lot of us don’t feel like we’re missing out on the good stuff in life.  We can be whole people living complete lives without sexual attraction and/or sex.  There is nothing wrong with us.


It actually came up in my session with Pseudo-Therapist yesterday, when talking about Kinda-Sorta-Ex-Boyfriend Guy.  Apparently I had mentioned asexuality to her in passing, and she asked about it.  To her credit, she seemed open-minded about it, and I gave her some resources to look into.


I’m just tired of being seen as “broken” because of my sexuality.  I was on antidepressants young (age 5) and was sexually abused, and those things are problematic.  But my asexuality in and of itself?  Not a problem, people.  Stop acting like it is this horrific flaw.  It’s complicated sometimes, but generally way less complicated than it seems to be for sexual people.  I’m happy with it, and I neither need nor want to change it.


7 Responses to “Asexuality: Don’t Be Alarmed”

  1. giannakali Says:

    I have no issue with asexuality per se…absolutely not…however if it’s iatrogenic (caused by drug damage) that’s another story and the reporter who was speaking to the journalist found that these kids were DISTRESSED by their asexuality.

    A lot of adults with healthy sex drives also lose their interest in sex and that too is distressing to them.

    Again, no issue with people who find asexuality is how they were born and it seems to be a natural thing…sexuality is fluid and asexuality too exists naturally on a spectrum…what I’m talking about is drug induced damage.

    • lindakay1948 Says:

      I think that if you are truly happy with being asexual, then, by all means, no one should criticize you for being so. However, for those of us who have known the joy of sexuality, and then have had it taken away, in my case permanently, and for over 28 years, it is truly heartbreaking, not only for ourselves, but for our spouses. In my case, it means that, for the sake of my marriage, and in order to please my husband, I have to do something over and over that I am not the least bit interested in. I’m sure that it would be much worse if this had happened to my husband instead of me.

      I am very blessed to have children and grandchildren, but young people, just starting out in life, especially young men, are losing all hope of marrying and having families of their own. I have read many of their stories in the Yahoo support group I’m in. Thank you, Gianna, for directing me to it years ago.

      One of the young men I corresponded with committed suicide because he felt that he could not lead a normal life after the sexual dysfunction he acquired after taking, and then discontinuing, Lexipro. His suicide note was posted by his best friend, and we were all able to see his obituary.

      Although I have never taken SSRIs, the moderator allowed me to join this group. Here is the link:

      ~ Linda Kay

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I can certainly understand how it could be greatly distressing to people. I personally started taking antidepressants at age 5 (a tricyclic, not an SSRI) before I would have developed mature sexuality. I don’t know if the antidepressants caused it and will almost certainly never know. I’m mostly okay with that, but I know it causes great distress for many people. I was speaking from my perspective as an asexual person who’s happy with her sexuality, and I find it frustrating when people assume that I or other happily asexual people are distressed about it. We’re a relatively small group, but I think it’s still a perspective that deserves a voice.

  2. giannakali Says:

    I’ve included your post trackback on my site (I don’t generally approve trackbacks) because I think your point is valid. Thank you.

  3. giannakali Says:

    actually, I’m going to wait until my comments are approved 🙂

  4. I think it’s possible your abuse could’ve contributed to your asexuality. But I don’t think that means asexuality is something wrong with you. Some people just naturally don’t care about sex. I don’t know if I’m asexual or not, as I think I can occasionally experience sexual urges. But thinking about acting on them freaks me out. If I am asexual, I’m not worried about it in and of itself. But I do want a romantic relationship one day, and I’m afraid that asexuality could make that highly unlikely. Plus, I’ve discovered that many people don’t think asexuality is a real thing. Like, people are asexual because of inexperience or bad experiences. I’m sort of worried about how that would make people view me, but I do think asexuality is very real. Most people, like me, are afraid to express their ponderings on it because people will scoff. My family hasn’t ever questioned me about why I don’t have a boyfriend. I wonder if it’s some instinctual sensing of my (borderline?) asexuality (?).

    • lindakay1948 Says:

      For me it was not just a loss of sexuality. I think I was unwittingly given a permanent saddle block when I was forcibly injected with Haldol against my will back in 1983. (I have never had an intentional one while giving birth to either of my two children.) It resulted, not only in my becoming numb sexually, but I also have had difficulty with urinary infections because I cannot feel when I need to urinate until the pressure builds up in my abdomen. In other words, I forget to go until it starts to hurt.

      Here is the link to my text video (and story underneath) on YouTube:

      I had a very strong libido before this happened to me. I KNOW it was the drug that destroyed it.

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