The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

What does winning look like? May 29, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:27 am
Tags: , , ,

Hormonal Hell Week is over, so I’m feeling like a real person again, and that’s definitely nice.


But I’m still stressed and upset about the whole thing with my nurse, and it’s compounded by the fact that Logic!Brain keeps telling me I’m blowing it way out of proportion and she didn’t mean it like that.  I know I should just talk to her about it, but I know there’s almost no chance I ever would.  I’m not good at confrontation, at all.  Even if I did try to say something to her, I’d probably just freak out and shut down after about two words.  And I’m afraid if I did manage to say something, she’d tell me I was just overreacting and taking things out of context.


I just…what is it she wants from me?  What would not “letting him win” look like?  Am I supposed to stop having bad memories and nightmares and flashbacks, or at least have the courtesy not to do it in front of people?  I mean, really, what am I not doing that I should be?  I have more good days than bad ones.  I’m participating in my life more and more.  I’m not cutting or starving or binging and purging.  I feel safe in my body and know I could defend myself if I needed to.  I have actual relationships with actual people.  I don’t think about the abuse every day.  I’m pretty happy with my life most of the time.  Isn’t that kind of the definition of me winning instead of him?  I know I don’t have it all together and I’m not perfect, but I don’t know anyone who’s got all their shit together.  What the hell else does she expect me to be doing that I’m not?


If this isn’t what winning looks like, then what DOES it look like?

I’m sorry.  I feel like I’m harping on this and everybody’s tired of hearing it.  I just don’t know how to let it go.  It really hurt.  It still really hurts.


7 Responses to “What does winning look like?”

  1. You know from where and how far you’ve come. What she wants is irrelevant and unreasonable. This is YOUR life & you’re doing an AMAZING job in gaining it back. Don’t feel pressured to rush things or make your process any different on the basis of a really dumb comment that she made and may or may not have meant literally.

    Can you talk to somebody else in your team about it? Or write her a note as a way of approaching the topic lightly? Sounds like it needs to air though so I hope you can find a way to release it.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I meet with my team leader today, and I have been considering telling her. But it just feels wrong, like I’m running and tattling to the teacher. In previous programs, if I’ve told one person on the team that I was upset with another team member, I got accused of trying to divide the loyalties of the team, aka being borderline. That has never happened at Windhorse, but I guess part of me is still afraid it will.

      I might write a note…I just don’t have an efficient way of getting it to her. (Their mailboxes are in the office, and I really don’t want to run into her while delivering the note. I get so twitchy about anything that resembles confrontation in even the vaguest sense.)

      I’m so frustrated with how avoidant I am.

      • Damn society and their stigma… even in places that are supposed to know better about mental illness. It really does make things way more difficult than they should be.

        Is she always in? Are there other staff that access the office who would put it in there for you?

        I’m the same when it comes to confrontation so I know where you’re coming from…

  2. colourtheday Says:

    YOU WIN! 🙂 And yes, write her a note!

  3. It’s an amazingly inappropriate remark to make and totally unprofessional. It’s like expecting a rabbit to run clear by driving at it in a car with the headlights on and the horn blareing.

    It was intended as a verbal goading sting to make you mad and make you want to fight and get even, just for that one bad morning. But why would you goad someone traumatised and expect this to be helpful? And why would you use the equivalent of a nuclear bomb? No wonder you feel so unsettled, you need to feel safe and able to trust those around you to behave appropriately – to do their jobs. But this is a training issue, not a bad person issue.

    I would recommend that you write a note, but if you want to communicate effectively I would suggest that you write a short 3 paragraph note – as this is more likely to be read and absorbed than a decent 2 page explanation. (Write the 2 pages for yourself and then write the communication note for others). If you want you can make a “don’t let him win” chart to stick on your door (on the outside) and write down all the unhelpful activities that you suggest that the staff don’t do. You can have tick boxes and reward stickers and chart their progress!

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I honestly don’t think it was intended to be hurtful or upsetting. I think it must’ve been painful for her to watch me in the flashback loop (lasted upward of 2 hours), and that’s hard for people to deal with. When people are in pain or scared, they tend to want easy solutions and therefore reduce things to the least common denominator; i.e., “Just don’t let him win.”

      I do agree that it is a training issue. This program deals mostly with people with mood disorders and psychotic spectrum disorders, not with trauma-based issues like mine. They’re all good, nice, caring people, but I think they’re kind of out of their depth with me. I wish they had told me when I started looking at their program that they didn’t have much experience with trauma so I could’ve made a more informed decision…but that’s done, and we all know you can’t go changing the past because bad things happen when you muck around with your own time stream.

      I’m pretty amused by the sticker chart idea–it appeals to my sarcastic smartass sense of humor. A list of “things not to say to trauma survivors” and a bunch of metallic star stickers…heh!

  4. ligeandcrew Says:

    I think you ask a very good question, what would she have to see to feel you’re not ‘letting them win’.
    It might very well have been just a dumb remark in the heat of the moment because things were getting difficult for her to watch, but still. Highly inappropriate, and look at the effect it’s had on you. It would have had the same effect on me, for whatever that’s worth.
    I like the note idea, if you can do it. Or if it’s too much, what about writing her a short note, with no plans to actually get it to her ? (Because then if an unexpected golden opportunity comes up, the note is already there. And if it doesn’t, the note might be useful to you for later reference.)
    Also, I hope you re-read what you just wrote, You *are* winning, and you described it perfectly.
    Just because you haven’t had a full-blown Oral Roberts Praise God miracle cure, doesn’t mean you’re not winning, for crying out loud. (Forgive me, but this woman’s remark – and even more, the fact that she hasn’t thought about it and returned to you and made amends for how it must have sounded – just thoroughly gets on my nerves.)

    Oh. And none of us are tired of listening to you process this until it’s resolved. I believe you’ve listened to some of us go over things again and again, as many times as we’ve needed to. – Celia. (and crew.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s