Hormonal Hell Week is over, so I’m feeling like a real person again, and that’s definitely nice.
But I’m still stressed and upset about the whole thing with my nurse, and it’s compounded by the fact that Logic!Brain keeps telling me I’m blowing it way out of proportion and she didn’t mean it like that. I know I should just talk to her about it, but I know there’s almost no chance I ever would. I’m not good at confrontation, at all. Even if I did try to say something to her, I’d probably just freak out and shut down after about two words. And I’m afraid if I did manage to say something, she’d tell me I was just overreacting and taking things out of context.
I just…what is it she wants from me? What would not “letting him win” look like? Am I supposed to stop having bad memories and nightmares and flashbacks, or at least have the courtesy not to do it in front of people? I mean, really, what am I not doing that I should be? I have more good days than bad ones. I’m participating in my life more and more. I’m not cutting or starving or binging and purging. I feel safe in my body and know I could defend myself if I needed to. I have actual relationships with actual people. I don’t think about the abuse every day. I’m pretty happy with my life most of the time. Isn’t that kind of the definition of me winning instead of him? I know I don’t have it all together and I’m not perfect, but I don’t know anyone who’s got all their shit together. What the hell else does she expect me to be doing that I’m not?
If this isn’t what winning looks like, then what DOES it look like?
I’m sorry. I feel like I’m harping on this and everybody’s tired of hearing it. I just don’t know how to let it go. It really hurt. It still really hurts.