I have no idea where I am right now, emotionally.
I’ve come down off the psycho hormonal rage/suicidality from hell, but I’m still not feeling right. It’s a combination of anxiety and depression, I think. I haven’t felt motivated to do anything; I only left the apartment today because I was out of food and Housemate was, once again, not around to take me grocery shopping. Oddly, I want to spend most of my time sleeping because, for once in my life, I’m having good dreams. I don’t remember the specifics, but I remember that I’m not scared in them, I have friends, I’m happy. Not much of a plot line without tension, I’ll admit, but I’d willingly sacrifice plot for contentment. But then I wake up. My life isn’t bad when I’m awake (PMDD Hell Week excepted), but it’s not all laughter and happiness like in the dreams, and the contrast makes it seem drearier.
And then there’s the anxiety. It all seems to be about people, and it makes me want to push all of them away because the fear is that they all think badly of me. I can’t trust Nurse anymore because she thinks I’m playing the victim and letting my father win. I don’t want to see Counselor anymore because he saw my whole dissociative-flashbacky train wreck. I don’t want to see Team Leader anymore because she saw me have a meltdown and I was kind of rude to her in the midst of it. I’m fairly sure most of that’s in my head, but it doesn’t make it any less real.
Then there’s some of it that’s not just in my head. Take Housemate, for instance. It got discussed at a team meeting several weeks ago that maybe it’s time for me to think about finding an apartment alone and not needing a housemate anymore. (Not that I really ever did.) There were no definite plans made, but since then, she’s never around. Mostly that’s fine because she makes me more anxious, but she gets PAID to live with me. She gets free room and board PLUS a paycheck, and she’s hardly ever around. In theory, she gets one weekend a month off, but in reality, she’s gone a lot more than that. She stays overnight with her boyfriend or one of her other friends, and I guess she doesn’t think it counts if she’s not gone the whole weekend. I’m not eager to run tattling on her to Team Leader because I don’t really want her around more, but I really resent the fact that my family is PAYING for her to be here when she’s not.
And then there’s Pseudo-Boyfriend. Since the play, I’ve hardly heard from him, even via e-mail. I feel like I must’ve done something to upset him, but I don’t want to ask him because I don’t think I could handle the answer. Our relationship is in a weird place–I mean, we’re not dating, but he said he wants to marry me. In theory I want to marry him, but I’m not at all sure I’ll ever be able to handle it. Last year before my birthday, he was trying to make plans with me for a solid month leading up to it. Now it’s 2 weeks away, and he hasn’t mentioned it at all. I try to tell myself he’s just been distant because he’s exhausted after the play, but I have this nagging fear that I did something to hurt him.
That’s always what I do–I hurt people. Usually I don’t mean to, and I always regret it later…but I keep doing it. I guess that’s why I only have friends in my dreams.