The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Most days aren’t like this. May 24, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 9:51 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I had a total meltdown today.  Stayed in bed until around 3:00, when Team Leader basically kept knocking on my door until I got up.  Then I just had a sobbing fit and yelled at her that I didn’t want shifts with anybody, I wasn’t going to call anybody, and I didn’t want to see anybody from the team.  She said, “Message received” and left.

 

Then I felt horribly guilty for being mean, and I realized I hadn’t really wanted her to leave.  I thought very seriously about suicide, and then I decided I’d take some gabapentin instead, to see if it would calm me down.  It did.

 

I’m feeling a little better now–though I suspect that’s partly or mostly the meds talking.  I think it’s a conflation of things going on right now to make me feel so bad–abuse memories coming up, PMDD, my birthday coming up, and then someone saying something careless at just the wrong time.  I know I’m probably reacting irrationally, but I can’t help feeling this way anyway.

 

I think the reason I got so upset at being told I was “letting the abusers win” is because I don’t feel like that’s what I’m doing.  Yes, I have bad days where I have flashbacks or cry a lot or don’t get out of bed–but that’s not most days.  Most days, I’m getting on with my life.  I’m doing the things normal people do.  I feed the cats and go grocery shopping and read the newspaper and pay the bills.  Most days, I’m pretty satisfied with my life.  I never forget what happened to me, and I’m still affected by it–but it doesn’t dominate my life most of the time.  So to have a bad day and then to be told by someone I trusted that I’m “letting them win”…well, it really hurt.  It made me feel like only the broken parts of me were being seen when, really, that’s not all there is to me.  I’m more than that, and I need the people helping me to see that.  I need them to see all of me.

 

I feel very hurt.  Betrayed.  And I know, on a logical level, that I’m probably overreacting; Nurse probably didn’t mean to hurt me or to say that I was playing the victim.  But now I feel like I can’t trust anyone on the team; I’m still afraid they all think I’m just playing the victim and letting the abusers win.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to deal with this.

Advertisements
 

6 Responses to “Most days aren’t like this.”

  1. ligeandcrew Says:

    that would make me feel the same way. – Dodge.

    PS – Can you write her a note and ask if that was what she meant – like, tell her the effect it had on you ? (I thought it sounded critical too – and, how do you criticize somebody for having feelings when that’s part of what they’re supposed to be doing ?)A
    I’m guessing if you told someone else how this made you feel and asked for advice or just for an ear, they’d say you were doing that ‘splitting’ thing..
    You know, this is just me, but I think the nurse might not have meant it the way it affected you….or maybe the nurse has a little bit of a private mean streak and she meant it *exactly* that way. Maybe she has a mean streak and doesn’t know it – nurses can have denial too. Or maybe she thought she was helping you by pushing a bit and throwing you off a bit, doing that ‘don’t reward the behavior’ thing. (If that was the case, I’d say she failed.)

    It just bothers me that whenever you say she probably didnt mean it that way, then you get mad at yourself. No matter how she did or didn’t mean it it was a lousy thing to say and a bad time to say it, and she was wrong. You weren’t.. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you still haven’t.

    Somebody who’s supposed to be helping you, said something real insensitive (whether it was deliberate or not) just when you were really vulnerable. And she’s part of a team so of course you don’t trust the whole team now!

    I think you’re very gracious with these people.
    (Wow. Forest has got me using the word gracious!)

    Please don’t be mad at yourself. for having feelings., I don’t like it when my friends hurt and they don’t deserve it.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      You know, you’re really smart on top of being awesome. You have a way of pointing out stuff about people (us in particular) that we can’t always see because we’re too close, you know? So thank you.

      I really think what she said, it was like–like she really WANTED things to be better for us. I mean, it had to be hard for her to sit there and watch the whole thing because I was apparently acting it all out. I guess it’s a lot like watching somebody be abused but you can’t do anything to stop it. And that’s bound to mess with your emotions.

      It seemed like she was maybe overwhelmed at having to watch it, and when people see something hard, they want to make it better right then, and that means a lot of the time they oversimplify stuff, like saying not to let the abusers win. I think they say stuff like that because they’re scared and it makes them feel better if they can grab at some easy answer. And when people are overwhelmed and scared, sometimes they forget about the other person because they just want to make their own pain stop. It’s not because they’re bad people–I think everybody would do it under the right circumstances.

      Basically, I don’t think she said what she did out of malice ir anything, just out of her own distress. It still sucks and it still hurts, but it wasn’t on purpose.

  2. colourtheday Says:

    Reading your post, having a sinking feeling in my stomach, and almost getting anxiuos here… Reason? Gabapentin… Have you used it for long, if so, why? Have you looked at the heavy side effects? The way i am reading what you write, the things I know about this drug, it just fits.
    I used gabapentin as a painkiller, I’ve had several operations trying to fix constrained nerves in my arms. It worked as a painkiller, it also made me sleep at night (which is rare), but after having used it and increased the dose, I felt depressed, confused, sort of outside myself, dizzy, having trouble concentrating and forgot important stuff, cried for no reason… I always read a bit before trying to sleep, and when I had double vision, I started to think it has to have something to do with the medication, (all the other symptoms were sort of my own fault… Hope you know what I mean…)
    Besides that, I am sure that the nurse never meant what you think she meant. Please ask her!
    I am not a medical professional, so don’t do anything about your meds before consulting someone who knows more about this. Getting of gabapentin is also something that should be done over a period of time.
    You can read about the side effects here: http://www.drugs.com/sfx/gabapentin-side-effects.html

    Wooried about you and leaving a HUGE hug here with you!

  3. Grainne Says:

    Oh my friend. 😦 I’m so sorry your days are like this right now. I’m in the middle of the same. xx Thinking of you…email me if you want to vent a little…might not have any good advice, but I understand where you are.

    Take it easy on yourself, as much as you can.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s