I had a total meltdown today. Stayed in bed until around 3:00, when Team Leader basically kept knocking on my door until I got up. Then I just had a sobbing fit and yelled at her that I didn’t want shifts with anybody, I wasn’t going to call anybody, and I didn’t want to see anybody from the team. She said, “Message received” and left.
Then I felt horribly guilty for being mean, and I realized I hadn’t really wanted her to leave. I thought very seriously about suicide, and then I decided I’d take some gabapentin instead, to see if it would calm me down. It did.
I’m feeling a little better now–though I suspect that’s partly or mostly the meds talking. I think it’s a conflation of things going on right now to make me feel so bad–abuse memories coming up, PMDD, my birthday coming up, and then someone saying something careless at just the wrong time. I know I’m probably reacting irrationally, but I can’t help feeling this way anyway.
I think the reason I got so upset at being told I was “letting the abusers win” is because I don’t feel like that’s what I’m doing. Yes, I have bad days where I have flashbacks or cry a lot or don’t get out of bed–but that’s not most days. Most days, I’m getting on with my life. I’m doing the things normal people do. I feed the cats and go grocery shopping and read the newspaper and pay the bills. Most days, I’m pretty satisfied with my life. I never forget what happened to me, and I’m still affected by it–but it doesn’t dominate my life most of the time. So to have a bad day and then to be told by someone I trusted that I’m “letting them win”…well, it really hurt. It made me feel like only the broken parts of me were being seen when, really, that’s not all there is to me. I’m more than that, and I need the people helping me to see that. I need them to see all of me.
I feel very hurt. Betrayed. And I know, on a logical level, that I’m probably overreacting; Nurse probably didn’t mean to hurt me or to say that I was playing the victim. But now I feel like I can’t trust anyone on the team; I’m still afraid they all think I’m just playing the victim and letting the abusers win. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with this.