I’m not doing well at all today. I guess I just need to get it out and talk about it to people who understand.
I had a really vicious flashback today in front of someone on my treatment team. I can’t even talk/write about what I was remembering, but it was bad. Usually when I have flashbacks, it looks to other people like I’ve just frozen, but today I was apparently twitching and shaking and whimpering. And the person this happened with doesn’t know much about trauma, so he called my nurse because she’s the one on the team who knows the most about trauma. So both of them saw me like that, and I’m really ashamed. I hate losing control in front of people.
It lasted for upward of 2 hours, and now I’m totally exhausted. I want to go to my kung fu class tonight, but I’m afraid I’ll get triggered and freak out in front of everybody.
I just feel so hopeless right now. I’ve been in therapy for years, and most of the time I am doing a lot better. But then this happens and I just feel so terrible, like I’ll never be better. My nurse said something to me about how I’m still letting the abusers win. She didn’t mean it as blame, but I can’t help but feel like it was anyway. Is that what people think about me, that I’m just playing the victim? That I’m not trying to get better, or that I’m just a lost cause? And what if they’re right? What if my entire life is like this? Everything is just so unbearably painful right now.