The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Rough Day May 23, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 8:45 pm
Tags: , , ,

I’m not doing well at all today.  I guess I just need to get it out and talk about it to people who understand.

 

I had a really vicious flashback today in front of someone on my treatment team.  I can’t even talk/write about what I was remembering, but it was bad.  Usually when I have flashbacks, it looks to other people like I’ve just frozen, but today I was apparently twitching and shaking and whimpering.  And the person this happened with doesn’t know much about trauma, so he called my nurse because she’s the one on the team who knows the most about trauma.  So both of them saw me like that, and I’m really ashamed.  I hate losing control in front of people.

 

It lasted for upward of 2 hours, and now I’m totally exhausted.  I want to go to my kung fu class tonight, but I’m afraid I’ll get triggered and freak out in front of everybody.

 

I just feel so hopeless right now.  I’ve been in therapy for years, and most of the time I am doing a lot better.  But then this happens and I just feel so terrible, like I’ll never be better.  My nurse said something to me about how I’m still letting the abusers win.  She didn’t mean it as blame, but I can’t help but feel like it was anyway.  Is that what people think about me, that I’m just playing the victim?  That I’m not trying to get better, or that I’m just a lost cause?  And what if they’re right?  What if my entire life is like this?  Everything is just so unbearably painful right now.

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4 Responses to “Rough Day”

  1. lifeonaxis1 Says:

    your PTSD is NOT your fault!! and neither is your abuse. i’m so sorry to hear this stress is added to what is clearly already a traumatic day.

  2. ligeandcrew Says:

    (((Hugs if OK))))

    Some people will always say, and think, stupid stuff. And think they’re right. But they’re wrong and they’re just ignorant.

    It does bite when one day things are so much better, and then the next day they’re not so better again.

    You’re nowhere near a lost cause, I’ve never heard you play the victim not once, and you ‘re not letting anybody win. You’re just fighting a very hard fight, that’s all.

    Not everybody gets it, how hard it really is. I kinda think you have to have been there to get it. Sometimes nurses and medical people think they get it, and they really don’t.

    I hope this passes soon and you get a break from it. ((Sending love)) – Dodge.

  3. Sending lots of love and care and strength your way.

    I agree with the above commenters – none of this is your fault – not the abuse and not the PTSD! I hope the nurse just got her words mixed up and doesn’t actually believe what she said because she’s wrong – you’re not “still letting the abusers win”… and you never did. I can understand why that statement would sit so horribly with you, but know that there’s no truth in it.

    I know it’s painful and I’m sorry that you’re needing to fight so hard 😦 I hope that you can find something to pamper yourself with tonight. It sounds like you need some gentle care and rest if you can xox

  4. colourtheday Says:

    Agree with the others here, and send you a BIG hug! You got nothing to be embarassed about, and none of this is your fault!


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