I’m not okay.
The convergence of trauma stuff coming back up and PMDD have got me totally messed up. My sleep’s all wonky because I don’t feel safe sleeping at night. Not nightmares this time–just this dread, this sense that nothing is safe, especially if I’m asleep.
And the urges…bad. I’ve been binging, and I want SO BADLY to purge because that would turn off the memories and the feelings. And I want to self-harm, to cut and burn and hit myself until I’m totally broken. It’s gotten so bad today that I have literally had to sit on my hands.
I don’t even want to die. I know this won’t last. So why these urges? The self-harm and ED stuff I get: they’re a way of numbing myself until the trauma stuff goes back to wherever it was hiding. But suicide? I don’t need a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and I know this. I want my life. So it makes no sense.
I’m so alone with it. Part of me wants to tell someone and have them take care of me so I don’t have to. But another part of me can’t–or won’t?–ask for help because I should handle this on my own and not bother anyone. Besides, who would I tell? Team Leader’s away until Monday, and in the meantime I’m supposed to call Pseudo-Therapist if I need anything. Icicle’s chance in hell that I’ll do that. She has no idea how to deal with trauma, and she’d just ask me what I need. Believe me, if I knew I’d already be doing it. So then she’d just sit there and watch me, clearly uncomfortable and unsure what to do, and inevitably I’d end up taking care of her instead of the other way around. I’d rather be alone.
I see New Therapist 2.0 again on Wednesday, but can I really tell her? Sit down in her cushy chair and, at our fourth meeting, announce that I’m losing my shit? She’s nice enough, but I don’t trust her yet.
I’m afraid if I tell anyone how bad it’s gotten, they’ll put me in the hospital. That would just make things worse, so much worse. I don’t know if I’m being irrational. I feel like I might be, but on the other hand, I’ve had other programs that were supposed to keep you out of the hospital betray their principles and hospitalize me. I’d sooner kill myself than go back to a hospital. I think I’m being irrational. I think this fear is irrational. But the terror is still all too real.