The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

All alone in the night May 13, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:34 am
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An excerpt from Sara’s File of Things That Are a Very Bad Idea to Do:
Don’t go for a six mile run when you’re massively out of shape, not eating properly, and don’t have proper running shoes.  If you’re stupid enough to do that, then don’t immediately go walk around the pride parade for 2 hours and then go to a 90-minute kung fu class.


If you’re dumb enough to do that shit, you’re going to wind up
(A) with the biggest fucking blister in the history of blisters
(B) nearly passing out during kung fu.


Seriously, self, WTF?  I have a blister that covers the entire back of my heel–probably tablespoon-sized.  And I had to plant my butt on the floor in the middle of my kung fu class and sit there with my head between my knees until the head instructor pretty much carried me over to a chair.  I told her I just forgot to drink enough before class, but I’m not sure she bought it.  Then again, malnutrition isn’t people’s first suspicion when you’re fat.


And all of this was just an attempt to escape from the PTSD.  For some reason I can’t quite put together, my upstairs neighbor, his blasting music, and his screaming are a major trigger.  I could feel memories pressing themselves against the windows of my conscious mind, trying to get in, and I couldn’t let them.  So I went for a run.  Then I went to Northampton Pride.  Then I went to kung fu.  I guess I thought that if I kept moving, the memories couldn’t catch up to me.  And I guess they didn’t, not quite.  I’m not having full-blown memories, but there are the body memories and the panic/anxiety and the general sense of everything being totally wrong.


I should ask for help, but who am I kidding?  I won’t.  I want my team to see me as competent and strong.  I don’t want to call and bother anyone on the weekend, especially since I have no idea what anyone could do to help.  If you’re going to ruin someone’s weekend, you should at least have some concrete idea how they could help.  “I just don’t want to be alone” doesn’t cut it.


I just hate being alone with this.  Ugh, I want a new brain, please.  One that works, this time.  Anyone know where I can buy one?


4 Responses to “All alone in the night”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t have much in the way of advice (nor do I know offhand of any good place to find a new brain) but just wanted to let you know I read and can empathize.

  2. Though I struggle with asking for help and believing what I’m about to say myself (for myself), asking for help doesn’t cancel out competency and strength. And just needing to reach out and say “I don’t know what I actually need other than to ring you/tell you I’m not doing so well” is enough of a reason, anytime. Don’t make yourself to go through this hard time alone…please do try to reach out.

    Sending strength your way *HUG*

  3. colourtheday Says:

    Hope your blisters heals quickly! Understand so well that feeling, wanting to get away from something so strange and impossible to control.
    Sorry you have to go through this, and hope pieces of the puzzle will reveal itself, making it easier to handle! But you don’t have to do it all alone… Sometimes strength is asking someone for help, I hope you have the opportunity to do that!

  4. ligeandcrew Says:

    Wow. I’m sorry you’re in that space, and it didn’t work.

    That’s just an all-around bad place to be.

    And I’m extra sorry you can’t ask for help. That’s kind of the worst thing sometimes. And it is hard. Sounds like it should be so easy – but then it isn’t.

    Specially if you ever just sytraight up got in trouble for it. For asking, I mean. That can make it very very hard to ever ask again.


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