The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Crankiness and Fear May 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 12:30 pm
Tags: , , ,

It’s 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday, I’m wide awake, and I’m ready to murder someone.


For the third morning in a row, my upstairs neighbor has woken me up with his music blaring right above my bedroom.  Today it was 7:00 a.m.; yesterday it was 6:30, and the day before that, it was 3:15.


Bear in mind I’m literally half-deaf, so it has to be really loud to wake me up.


We’ve had a discussion with him and his housemate about it, just a few weeks ago.  It stopped for all of about a week, and now it’s back full force.  Being woken up by fucking 90’s soft rock music is really getting to me.  Part of it’s that my sleep cycle is wonky again–I’m not going to bed until after 2:00 most days, so being woken up early really throws me off.  But really, I’m angry about being forced to listen to someone else’s music EVER, and it’s happening on a daily basis.


I’ve really tried to understand.  This neighbor hears voices and uses the music to drown them out.  While I’ve never heard voices in the psychotic sense, I have used music to drown out the voices of alters when I couldn’t face acknowledging them.  But I used some goddamn headphones out of respect for other people.


I want to go bang on this neighbor’s door and yell at him.  Parts of me would just LOVE to do that, but I’m scared of him.  I hear him yelling a lot–presumably just at his voices, but it scares me just the same.  When I was a kid, yelling was a sure sign I was about to get hurt, whether it was physically or verbally.  I know how to fight and how to defend myself, but the guy scares me anyway.


If I’m being honest here, pretty much everyone scares me, especially when they’ve got 4 inches and 50 lbs on me and yell a lot.


This morning, I did go as far as to bang on the ceiling with a broom handle, but that did nothing except leave black marks on my ceiling.  I don’t think he even heard me.


So now it’s Saturday morning, and I’m awake and in PTSD hell.  Just thinking about confronting him causes panic, and there are memories I can’t deal with lapping at the edge of my mind.  I hate this SO much.  I hate my brain, I hate having PTSD, I hate having all these memories I try to push away.  It feels unbearable right now, and I’m all alone.


Housemate isn’t here, hasn’t been for most of the past 2 weeks despite the fact that she gets paid to live with me, but I wouldn’t trust her with any of this even if she were here.  I could call someone from my team, but who?  And what would I even say?  “Hi, sorry to bother you on the weekend, but I’m having a PTSD meltdown because I’m sleep-deprived and scared?”  I can’t even explain the meltdown so it makes sense to anyone outside of my head, and I am sitting here crying and panicking for reasons I can’t explain.  I’d sound stupid, and I’m not going to bother people on the weekend because I’m stupid.


I want out.  I want a new brain without trauma and PTSD.  Just make it stop.


5 Responses to “Crankiness and Fear”

  1. ligeandcrew Says:

    Ptsd sucks great big ass.
    I think your upstairs neighbor sounds like a bully. A schizophrenic bully – but still a bully.

    People who yell scare me too. Especially if they’re big, and male.

    But I think your meltdown might make perfect sense to anyone who understands what ptsd is. Nothing stupid about it at all. Good heavens, that would make me cry too!

    Wish I could make it stop for you. It sure needs to. And for what it’s worth, we’ve been in a few shelter-type situations….and wow I just straight up started crying remembering one of them.
    They really are scary and hard.

    If you want to e-mail, IM, or call, please feel free, okay ? And please, if you can help it at all, don’t think you’re stupid or you sound stupid. You’re totally not and you don’t. – Dodge.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      You’re a really nice guy, you know that?

      I’m doing some better. I went for an accidental six-mile walk. I was just going to go to the farmers’ market up the street from my apartment, but I just kept walking and didn’t realize it until I was clear out of town, almost to the airport. I walked down past there and saw a bunch of small planes take off and land, walked through a bunch of farmland, and then down by the Connecticut River. I love the river.

      Today was Northampton Pride, and I went to the parade for a while. Couldn’t stay long, though, because I got all panicky–noticed I was walking around blocking like I was sparring and decided that was a pretty good signal I wasn’t feeling safe enough to stay. I did get a nap in afterward, but I had some bad dreams, and I’m still feeling pretty PTSD-ish afterward.

      I don’t think the neighbor means to be a bully. I think it just doesn’t occur to him that people other than him could have needs too. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to PUT ON SOME FUCKING HEADPHONES? I know he has them; he has the expensive DJ-style ones. But he just won’t fucking use them, and I’m the one suffering because he won’t.

      And I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of the noise and I’m sick of my fear. I’m sick of the sleep deprivation. I’m sick of the lack of quiet. I’m sick of PTSD and DID and depression and abuse and flashbacks and memories. I want it to all be better, and I want somebody to take care of me. But there’s nobody, so I’m stuck.

      • ligeandcrew Says:

        Well, if we could get you to my house I could probably give you about, oh, three days tops of being cared for by a kid in a grownup’s body. How’s that ?

        (PS – Thank you thank you thank you for saying I’m nice. I’ll tell that to the old tapes who insist otherwise, and stick my tongue out at them. And blow them a raspberry. And flip them the bird, And possibly hang them a B.A.) 😀

  2. I don’t have PTSD, but I would still find confronting the neighbor terrifying. Any sort of confrontation triggers panic in me. Some of it is social anxiety, but I also just can’t stand confrontations. I start shaking and crying. Sometimes I dissociate to get through it.

    I’m glad the walk made you feel better. Perhaps suggesting the headphones to him would help>

  3. Grainne Says:

    I’m sorry I’ve not been here…(I have been reading, and caring, just quiet) xx I hope things have calmed for you. (stupid neighbour. Lived close to one like that, scared the hell out of me too)

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