The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Unattached May 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:19 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m feeling kind of off/down today, for reasons I can’t quite articulate.

It started with my appointment with New Therapist 2.0 this morning.  Lots of anxiety beforehand, almost as bad as before the first meeting.  Heart going a hundred miles an hour, sticking my hands in my pocket so she wouldn’t see they were shaking, couldn’t stop my knee from bobbing up and down, the whole nine yards.

I felt vaguely disappointed after the appointment, and I don’t really know why.  I think part of it is that I’m tired of having to rehash my history every time I see a new person.  It’s old by this point, and it’s frustrating because I feel like there are more pressing issues.  But of course she wouldn’t really understand a lot of it without the context of my history.

And there was just this general sense of disconnect afterward.  I didn’t feel it in the moment, or at least I didn’t realize I was feeling it in the moment.  She was very sympathetic and got that a lot of the “treatment” I’ve had was just further trauma, but it felt…I don’t know, not quite patronizing, but something close.  I wanted her to say something insightful, I guess, not just nod and make sympathetic groaning noises.  But that’s not really fair to expect from her two sessions in.  It’s hard at the start because they don’t know you well enough yet to be insightful, and it’s really a gift to have found someone who understands that mental health treatment can cause/exacerbate trauma.  I don’t remember it being so hard when I started with my Boston therapist, though.  Then again, I don’t really remember starting off with Boston Therapist, beyond my heart hammering when I stood there about to ring her buzzer the first time.  And I definitely remember it being hard to start off with my Riggs therapist–excruciatingly so.  It was more than 6 months before I felt any connection with her, and for most of that time, I was convinced she downright hated me.

I almost wonder if part of me is creating this sense of disconnect to avoid doing the work we need to do around trauma stuff.  I mean, the last time I talked much about the abuse in therapy was when I was at Riggs.  It came up some with Boston Therapist, but most of my work with her was just trying to hold my ground and not kill myself.  Maybe on some level, I’m afraid that if I start looking at the trauma stuff again, I’ll fall apart and lose this new-found happiness.

The thing is, I think I’m finally in a place where I can do trauma work and make it stick.  When I was dealing with the unrelenting depression, none of it held.  I couldn’t convince myself that I wasn’t a terrible person who deserved all the abuse and deserved to be dead, and no one else could convince me, either.  Now that I’m feeling so much better, it’s more likely to stick.  I’m more likely to get rid of the symptoms permanently rather than getting just a temporary reduction in them.  I don’t want to run from this, consciously or unconsciously.

*sigh*

Then at kung fu, Pembontu was telling us about this fundraiser that we’re doing to raise money to provide free self-defense class to survivors of domestic violence/sexual assault as well as women who are at risk.  Basically, you get people to sponsor you to do 1000 kicks and break some boards.  Everyone’s supposed to raise at least $50, but he was saying some people raise upward of $500.  I’m sitting there thinking, “Who the hell am I gonna ask to give me money?  Sure as hell not my family.  The only friends I have are other broke mental patients, and god knows I don’t have any money of my own to spare.”  I want to do the kick-a-thon, but I’d just look like an asshole if I showed up without any money.

Really, the issue is not the money–it’s that I don’t even have anybody to ask to sponsor me.  Most of the people I interact with are my treatment team and other patients.  The only non-crazy people I interact with regularly are the people from my kung fu class.  Yes, even being able to go to kung fu is a huge improvement…but I feel pretty down on myself right now for not having any social network to speak of.

Apparently, kids, tonight’s episode is brought to you by the number 7 and the word “disconnected.”

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8 Responses to “Unattached”

  1. Grainne Says:

    Oh Sister, you are speaking my language! I TOTALLY get this post…almost as if I wrote it. I have the same reflex reaction when my little boy comes home from school with a fund raiser of any kind…we have no one to ask for money either. I can’t even go to my neighbours because all of them have kids who attend his school and are doing the very same thing. It’s hard to have to face the fact that you really are quite alone in this world isn’t it? *hugs*
    I’m one of your mentally ill friends lol..obviously, but I manage in the world too. If I could, I’d sponsor you for your kick-a-thon. xx

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I wish you hadn’t experienced this yourself, but it does help to know that I’m not the only one who feels this. I’m a true introvert and prefer to be alone most of the time, but things like this fundraiser make me feel like an inept, socially retarded loser. I know this is my cognitive distortion speaking, but it makes me feel like everybody else has it all figured out, and I’m the only person who can’t make friends except in mental hospitals. I guess I have to remind myself that it’s okay to be an introvert in an extroverted culture.

  2. ligeandcrew Says:

    I feel the same way when I don’t know anybody. (Sigh.)

    Shoot me an e-mail andf discuss it ? – Dodge.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Yeah, sure. About to crash tonight (because seriously I just had to retype “tonight” three times because I’m too tired to spell), but shoot me an e-mail. I’d be happy to talk tomorrow or whenever.

  3. Nothing cooler than reading “Then at kung fu….”
    **kiss**

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I dunno; I think the doing kung fu is cooler than writing or reading about it. 🙂 I really do love my class. I’m so grateful that I finally got adequate treatment for my back pain so I can do martial arts again.

  4. I also understand the whole not having anyone to ask for money. I wouldn’t have anyone to ask, as I know few people. Maybe a handful of co-workers, if I feel brave enough to ask.

    When I was a kid and did things like Girl Scouts, I always felt stupid because I made the least amount of money for fundraisers. There were about three neighbors I could ask, and my dad would ask a couple of co-workers, but not many. He just generally didn’t want to help with it, and my mom had no job. My parents also didn’t seem to have any friends. When I was a kid, I thought adults never had friends because of my parents. Perhaps I just come from an introverted family.


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