Since my depression has gotten better, I’ve been noticing that I’m more irritable. Actually, I think it’s probably less willing to take crap from people. When I’m depressed, I can’t make myself care enough to get really angry. I also tend to feel more guilt when I’m depressed–even the thought of being angry at someone triggers a guilt reaction. But now, I’m getting pretty frustrated with stuff.
Today, for instance. Usually, I have a shift with the counselor on my team from 11:00 to 2:00. Well, his wife went into labor, so he couldn’t be there and will be out for the next two weeks. Yesterday in team meeting, we were discussing that Counselor would be away sometime soon (didn’t know exactly when, as you can’t really predict when someone’s going to have a baby), and Team Leader decided that Peer Counselor should fill in for him. I’ve told Team Leader a number of times that I don’t like Peer Counselor and would prefer not to meet with him because he doesn’t talk to me and really makes no effort to engage with me. He actually falls asleep during at least half our shifts, complete with snoring. Team Leader basically just declared that he’d be taking over those shifts while Counselor is away on paternity leave. She did the obligatory “Is that okay with you?” thing, but what was I gonna do, say no in front of Peer Counselor? I feel like it was really unfair and inconsiderate of my team leader to make that call without really discussing it with me.
So fast forward to today. First of all, no one bothered to call and tell me that Counselor wouldn’t be there for my shift because his wife was in labor. I just had to guess that on my own when he didn’t show up. Okay, fine, whatever; things get overlooked sometimes, and it meant I got to take a nap. Then I was supposed to have an hour-long meeting with my nurse, and I was planning to discuss with her that I’m struggling with food. She only stayed 20 minutes because she was borrowing someone else’s car and had to get it back to them. Okay, fine, whatever; cars break down sometimes. Then, at 4:00, Peer Counselor shows up unannounced. He said he’d called the house phone to let me know that he was filling in for Counselor’s shift but couldn’t make it until 4:00, but he KNOWS that because of my hearing loss I often don’t hear the house phone; I’m much more reachable on my cell phone because I keep it in my pocket on vibrate. But he didn’t even attempt to call me on my cell; he just showed up unscheduled and expected that to be okay. I had been chilling out by myself, watching Doctor Who and making dinner. I was quite happy to have the time alone before kung fu class. But then I had to just sit there for two hours with Peer Counselor not talking to me, when I’d much rather have been pretending to be a Time Lord.
I’m noticing that with this irritability comes a STRONG urge to be cuttingly sarcastic–not funny sarcastic, just plain mean sarcastic. When Peer Counselor kept nodding off, I wanted to play very loud bagpipe music (or the nyan cat music) and then say, “Oh, sorry, don’t let me keep you awake or anything. By the way, how can I get a job where I get paid to do nothing and sleep?” I really want to tell Team Leader tomorrow, “I really appreciate you asking me in front of everybody if it was okay for Peer Counselor to take over Counselor’s shifts. I just love having to choose between spending a lot more time with someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about me or looking like a complete asshole in front of everybody.” I just want to be really snarly and bitchy to everyone. Instead of being directly bitchy to Peer Counselor, or even telling him straight out why I was frustrated with him, I yelled at the cats and swore at my yarn. I was imagining yelling swear words at him.
I’m prone to sarcasm anyway (I actually had a previous nurse tell me she always knew it was time to worry about me when I stopped making smartass remarks), but this is different. I’m not generally prone to meanness. It also feels like this is not coming from me, exactly–it’s more like another part wants to say these things but hide behind me so she doesn’t get blamed. The communication within my system is pretty disjointed and poor, so I don’t even know how to figure out who this is, let alone how to help her deal with the anger without burning bridges. I don’t know how to approach this, and my team basically has no idea how to deal with DID stuff. I feel so alone with the stuff I’m dealing with lately (C-PTSD stuff, DID stuff, ED stuff), and I’d rather be alone by myself than alone with other people. Right now, I’d really rather have no shifts at all.
I should probably tell Team Leader this tomorrow, directly and non-bitchily. (That is totally a word now.) I don’t know if I’ll have the nerve to, though.