The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Torn April 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 1:36 am
Tags: , ,

Part of me has this desire to give up on looking for a therapist. Prove you can do it on your own; prove you don’t need anyone. Plenty of people carry their distress alone. What makes you more deserving than they are of having someone else to carry the burden? Why do you think you need something most people (even people with shitty childhoods) don’t have? You don’t need a therapist; you’ve only convinced yourself you do. Prove you can survive all alone.

I really can’t tell if that’s true or just stupid, self-destructive bullshit. Part of me says of course it’s a dumb idea; of course you need and deserve a therapist. But then another part of me says I only believe that because therapists taught me to believe it.

Both parts make sense to me.

I don’t want to be the judge. I didn’t sign up for this job, didn’t ask to have a bunch of people with contradictory opinions living in my head.

A decision either way would be made from emotion. A decision for a therapist driven by fear of loneliness and a desire for nurture; a decision against a therapist driven by anger at/mistrust of the psychotherapeutic establishment and desire to win my family’s love through rigid self-sufficiency. There’s nowhere in this for logic to get a foothold.


3 Responses to “Torn”

  1. ligeandcrew Says:

    We wish you all weren’t so down on you. So critical.
    I think I know why you’re critical – it’s because other people have been critical since you landed on Earth, isn’t it ?

    Stef has a daughter who’s 27, and here is what she would tell her daughter if she’d written

    Yes you do deserve a therapist. It’s not your responsibility to see to it that other people have what they need, there’s no way you can do that. If you go without, it won’t make their lives any better. The abuse you’ve been through has caused you to feel guilty about things that have nothing to do with you whatsoever, and you deserved so much better than that. You still do.
    You don’t owe it to anyone to prove anything. If you need to take a break from looking because the frustration is too much right now, that’s taking care of you. But to think you don’t desrve it ? That’s your abusers talking to you still. It’s so sad what they did to you, and that it’s still affecting you like this. You absolutely do deserve a therapist, yes.

    Oh, and about decisions made from emotion, Forest says our emotions are given to us for a reason.

    I sure wish you felt better inside. It makes me sad that you don’t because you’re a good person(s) and you don’t deserve to feel so bad like this. ((Hugs if okay)) – Dodge.

  2. ligeandcrew Says:

    Hey Sara, Alison, Mary, and all –
    this is Stef. It appears we won’t be able to blog at WordPress any more. Today we had to report the JC Klatch to the police, and to Facebook for security violations. We might be looking at getting a restraining order. If they contact us by phone, we’re to call the police immediately. Meanwhile we’re not to do anything that would egg them on.
    I hope we can stay in touch though. We really do like you guys and appreciate your friendship. Please know that you are true and dear friends, and that’s a rare find in this world. I hope when things take a turn for the worse, that you’ll all pat yourselves on the back for the kind of friendship you offer.

    • Sara Penrod Says:

      Yeah we should definitely stay in touch. You guys are awesome and we wouldn’t want to not be able to talk. You’ve got our email and stuff, and we’d always love to hear from you.

      Also you might look at LiveJournal for blogging. We have an account there too, and it has a lot more privacy option. And some good survivor and multiplicity communities.

      Sent from my iPhone

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