Part of me has this desire to give up on looking for a therapist. Prove you can do it on your own; prove you don’t need anyone. Plenty of people carry their distress alone. What makes you more deserving than they are of having someone else to carry the burden? Why do you think you need something most people (even people with shitty childhoods) don’t have? You don’t need a therapist; you’ve only convinced yourself you do. Prove you can survive all alone.
I really can’t tell if that’s true or just stupid, self-destructive bullshit. Part of me says of course it’s a dumb idea; of course you need and deserve a therapist. But then another part of me says I only believe that because therapists taught me to believe it.
Both parts make sense to me.
I don’t want to be the judge. I didn’t sign up for this job, didn’t ask to have a bunch of people with contradictory opinions living in my head.
A decision either way would be made from emotion. A decision for a therapist driven by fear of loneliness and a desire for nurture; a decision against a therapist driven by anger at/mistrust of the psychotherapeutic establishment and desire to win my family’s love through rigid self-sufficiency. There’s nowhere in this for logic to get a foothold.