I had a major dissociative episode yesterday with Pseudo-Therapist. I don’t remember exactly what happened. I know I was crying and couldn’t stop, and Pseudo-Therapist asked me something. Next thing I remember, it was an hour and a half later, and I was sitting in Nurse’s office, with her trying to get me to eat.
I still haven’t told anyone I’ve been restricting. I’ve lost almost 10 lbs over the last two weeks, but I’m so overweight that it isn’t noticeable. At least I don’t think they’ve noticed, since no one’s said anything to me about it. I don’t really even want to binge, which is unusual for me.
What I want is for someone to be with me. I could call Nurse, she said to call if I needed anything, but I know I won’t. I don’t feel like I have any right to need anything beyond what I’m already getting. I’m not allowed to want anyone to take care of me. In my mind, people aren’t even supposed to care about me.
But, shit, I really want someone to take care of me tonight. I’ve gotten back to nights being bad because anxiety/flashbacks/memories get worse then, and it makes me feel like a scared little kid again. In fact, now that I think about it, I’m not sure that I-Sara am the only person out right now. One of the kids being out might help explain the fear and the desire for care. Doesn’t help me figure out how to deal with it, though.
I want someone to fix my brain.