I’m having a rough night, and I’m not sure why. I really wish I had a friend here who would just sit with me.
The anxiety’s been sorta building all day. I almost didn’t go to kung fu, but I convinced myself to go because I knew it would make me feel better. (Yay endorphins!). I did feel better for about half of class, but then Majikan (the head instructor) came in and did a lot of verbal self-defense stuff with us. My partner was a guy I like and felt safe with, but the whole exercise was overwhelming. I pushed through it (“If it hurts, just kiyai louder!”) but now I’m feeling very shaky and flashback-prone. I’m thinking about seeing if I can make a time to sit down with Majikan and tell her I’m having trouble with it, but I don’t think I’d have the courage to actually tell her.
I hate feeling this way. I need a therapist double plus ASAP. I should tell the team tomorrow at team meeting that I’m struggling with trauma and ED stuff, but once again I doubt I can work up the courage.
I really want out of my head right now. I want someone to be with me.