Housemate was on the phone for an hour and a half today, talking on and on in great detail about this cleanse diet she and her friend want to do. She’s basically cutting out everything but raw vegetables.
My first mental reaction was a strong compulsion to grab her phone and smash it repeatedly with a hammer. My second thought was to bring it up with Nurse or Team Leader so they could tell her to STFU.
I was just so angry. And, to be honest, I still am. But now I’m questioning that reaction. Why am I so angry?
I mean, obviously I can’t spend my whole life running around
like River Song shouting “Spoilers!” every time somebody talks about dieting, since god knows women talking about weight loss/dieting is so ingrained in our culture. Ultimately, no one can make me struggle or relapse with my ED. Sure, things other people say or do can trigger certain memories or emotional states. But what I do with that is my own choice and my own responsibility. I accept this.
So why am I still SO FUCKING ANGRY that I want to throw things at Housemate every time she mentions it? Why do I want to get all factual-snarky and tell her that all these fad “cleanse” diets are a load of crap and cutting out a whole bunch of food groups is not healthy and doesn’t produce lasting weight loss? Why do I want to lash out at her? Why do I want to tell her to STFU, or get someone else to tell her to STFU?
I really don’t understand it. It’s obviously bringing up a whole lot of intense feelings, but I don’t understand why. Usually feelings this intense are, for me, linked to a specific memory or memories, but that doesn’t seem to be happening with this. I do notice my PTSD symptoms are on higher alert than usual, though I’m not sure whether that’s the result of being angry with Housemate or the cause of it.
I’m really frustrated that I don’t have a therapist I can talk to about this. There’s definitely something going on that needs to be worked through, but I haven’t been able to figure it out on my own. I need outside insight. (LOL THAT SENTENCE) I mean, there’s Pseudo-Therapist, but she kinda, uhm, lacks insight. The range of her responses seem to be limited to “That’s helpful for me to know” and “I can’t relate to that.” Plus, I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up with people on my Windhorse team because everyone’s so meshed together that I feel like it would get back to Housemate, and it would be a whole big thing where she gets upset like what happened when she rearranged all the furniture.
I need someone to help me figure this out and work through it. I need a therapist yesterday!