The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Master of Self-Destruction March 25, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 7:03 pm

*big sigh*

I’ve been trying to cut out calories to go with my new ability to exercise for the first time in forever and a week.  I want to lose weight.  I am, according to BMI standards, significantly overweight, just short of obese.


I have a history of both anorexia and bulimia, with multiple hospitalizations.

I generally eat a healthy diet, but I’ve developed this tendency to eat compulsively all day long.  Most of what I’m eating isn’t unhealthy, but I’m taking in way too many calories.

So I cut back, drastically, over the past week or two.  I’ve been obsessing about calories, and bad foods, temptation to purge when I eat “too much,” etc.  Plus, my nurse wants me to try cutting out dairy to deal with a bad eczema flare-up, so that seems like even more of an excuse to cut out foods.

My tendency is to say I’m just dieting because in the past when I’ve been in a restrictive mode, it’s been extreme, mostly fasting or under 500 calories per day.  What I’ve been doing is not that bad, but I think I’ve been coming in under 1000 calories per day.  Some part of me says that’s not enough food…but another part says it can’t be too little because I’m not losing weight.

I don’t know why I’m even doing this.  Things have been going great!  Am I so afraid of happiness that I have to destroy myself?  Or am I really just trying to get healthy?  I need to get my head sorted out, but I don’t have anywhere else to turn right now.


3 Responses to “Master of Self-Destruction”

  1. Grainne Says:

    I do the calorie obsession at times myself. I gain quickly, lose slowly, like the rest of the world, but I also react to weight gain by instantly restricting calories to an extreme level. I almost can’t believe I’m telling you this, but just a week ago I realized I hadn’t eaten in three days. I thought I’d at least see the benefit on the scales but my weight didn’t budge an ounce until I ate regularly for a few days and gained two pounds. :S you can see, I’m not going to be much help in the way of good advice, but I can see where you’re coming from. 1000 calories a day isn’t a lot of food, but it’s something. At least you’re putting in some of what you’re taking out with all the physical activity you’ve been doing lately. 🙂 Hope you find your balance soon.

  2. ligeandcrew Says:

    Stef used to have an eating disorder, or she’s in recovery from an eating disorder, however you say it.

    But other times, she was just on a diet. She ate enough, and didn’t purge – I’d say that’s just healthy dieting, if you don’t cut back too drastically and you don’t purge. Course that’s just my opinion, I don’t know stuff like that for sure.

    I do know it sucks to feel like you need to eat all day every day. That’s the pits.

    Do they ever tell people who are in treatment for eating disorders how to do a healthy diet if their weight goes up too high, or do they just say never diet again ?

  3. weordmyndum Says:

    They basically say you’re never supposed to diet again. There’s this set point theory they’re all excited about, which says that everyone has a set point in their weight that they’ll never go above if they eat a normal diet, including junk food sometimes. I don’t think that works for me. It used to. Before the ED, my set point was around 120. Post-ED, I just keep gaining and gaining and gaining even though I eat less than most people. I think between the ED and all the psych meds I’m on, I’ve probably ruined my metabolism.

    I read a lot about the Health At Every Size theory, and I like the ideas. I believe them…for everyone else. I just can’t get comfortable with myself at this weight.


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