I’ve had nearly a month now with NO depression and very little anxiety. I have energy, and I have motivation to do stuff instead of lie in bed all day watching DVD’s. This is amazing. I can’t remember ever feeling good for more than a few hours, until now.
However…I don’t know how to have a normal life. I kind of envy the people who haven’t been crazy their entire lives because they can remember what normality is like. They can picture what normal is like and strive to get back to it. But I have never been normal, even as a little kid. I was on a tricyclic antidepressant at age five! I did some of the normal stuff on the surface–high school, started college, etc.–but underneath I was tearing myself to pieces, literally and figuratively. I never learned healthy ways to cope with everyday stress. I never learned how to turn off the cruelly critical voices in my head. I was a prodigy at self-destruction.
Now I’m surprisingly and suddenly better. I want to establish normality, but I don’t even know where to start. I’ve started taking kung fu classes, which are awesome even if my muscles are not very happy with me. I’m looking into doing some volunteer work. I’d like to try to finish my undergrad degree, but I’d have to figure out how to pay for it. Maybe I’ll try auditing a class next semester–I mean, I’m at the Five Colleges, so I should take advantage of that. Smith and Mt. Holyoke both have really good scholarships for non-traditional students.
But I still feel like there’s more I want to do, but I don’t know what. Where do I go from here?
I also need to figure out how to shut up the voice in my head that says, “Just because you’re happy now doesn’t mean you’ll stay that way. You’re just going to crash harder.” I don’t want that voice to be so loud. I want to believe in the possibility of hope.
I feel like someone who never learned to walk as a baby, trying to learn as an adult. I can see people’s normality, the way they move through life, but I don’t know how to coordinate doing it for myself.